November 30, 2005

a new horizon

It’s hard to look in the mirror and see you’re the one that broke your own heart. Its hard to listen to him tell the truth when you’ve been lying to yourself the whole time. The tears in my eyes have been hiding the truth and I found sanction there hiding from truth feeding myself lies to make my world beautiful when in fact I was living in this dungeon of deceit. You tell me that I break their hearts the same way every time, and then they question where did I learn this from who taught me to be so careless with significant feelings? Who taught me not to feel, so that my carelessness could not penetrate into my own charade of happiness, of beauty? I cant answer that and each time I am questioned that same question that comes at every end and every new beginning, I look around me, I scan my broken memory to find the one that broke my heart. And it would be easy, it would be so easy to lay blame somewhere other than on myself but now in reality I can see that starting here is the only way that I can begin to go forward. They will no longer fall in love with me from my own accord, it can’t be this easy to love them and never leave them and so the seed of truth must be planted here so that it may grow within and change the blackish fate I have set for myself. I broke my own heart, and my own tears full of lies were hiding the truth all along.

November 28, 2005

confessions

As a child I went to catholic school but I was raised in the greek orthodox religion, I was terrified by confession in both but I had this idea of blog confessing, it seems much more harmless.

I’ve never had a boy friend I didn’t cheat on at sometime, I miss them all except the one my mother wants me to miss
I pee in the shower
I rarely get away with anything
I think I’m fat but I can’t stop eating
I don’t like it when my mother tells me that god is the answer to all my problems-Jesus can never be my boyfriend
I feel bad when I wear multiple necklaces from different exes at the same time-but it looks so good
I have ringworm, its pretty much contained these days but I can feel it flaring up right now
I like the smell of cigarette smoke on boys

November 27, 2005

empty

My heart clenches and the lump in my throat chokes me. I can still feel the rings on my fingers like amputees can still feel their legs. Im choking with regret, one who never regrets but now, now I would lay down my jacket in a puddle for you to walk over I would lay down my soul for you to walk over so that my soul would touch your sole just so that a part of me could touch you. You’re disgusted by me and I am beginning to feel the same. My drive is gone, my drive to go on gone. I hear music I hear words I hear you but I feel nothing today I stopped feeling actually I don’t know if it was today or if I never had it. It seems like so long ago when everything was perfect, I’d take it all back if I could just so that you could feel good about me instead of weary instead of disgust. Theres no time machine but time heals all wounds, ive cut you deep and it stabs me to see you bleed. I’d lie with you in the tomb and die young. Don’t ask me if I miss him when you’re all that matters.


sorry f--ing roommate this is pretty mushy.

November 24, 2005

like a wish bone

I thought it would be easier. I had no elation, no hidden smile; I hadn’t been there when I talked to him in weeks. The initial shock was lost in the party I went to right after ending it. But my night was plagued with dreams of him. We fought over the phone about confusion between friends and then I went to his house to “hang out.” I already knew what I had to do. We went outside and stood in the cold of his beautiful ghetto. I no longer loved him the way I once had, when I silently cried in the backseat of his car or when I found myself surprised at how much I loved him. He complained that I never talked to him, this is the usual complaint, I’m not good at talking and as much as the therapist has worked on this it has barely changed. And then we came to Miami, we were supposed to go for my twenty first birthday in a little over a month, I felt like I couldn’t go, I told him, he was devastated. I don’t know how it really ended. We hugged for awhile and as we hugged I stared into the neighbors blinding porch light and thought about all our good memories, running together at his sisters wedding, going to Disneyland, visits back and forth. I felt it was better to end it on an up note for me. He said goodbye, I love you and something about I’ll call you on the way up the stairs I think. I went to the party and saw people I hadn’t seen in a long time, it made me forget that I was still shaking on the inside because I had just broken someone’s heart. Now I just want to lie in bed all day for thanksgiving, I doubt my mom will let me but it’s worth a try. And so waking up I realize that breaking hearts is not all its cracked up to be and that it may have even cracked my heart a little.

November 22, 2005

Thanksgiving Break

You can see the elation in him, the kind of elation that only comes to those in a long distance relationship right before a break. He’s going to see her and he about to jump out of his girl pants, but for now he does a presentation on video sound and talks about the Ramones, fitting? Absolutely. You can see a change in him, some kind of a new nervous excitement behind all that new facial hair, some kind of smile. I do not share that smile, that elation. The only holiday excitement coming from me would be for pumpkin pie. Do I feel bad about this? Of course I do, but everything changes, feelings change. We had a good run but eh…I’m getting tired.

November 21, 2005

metaphor

"it's like slutting myself is an island and if he even begins to talk to me i've already begun to swim out"

my one weakness is back in town, thats all i got for right now...

who am i kidding ONE weakness?

November 17, 2005

Remembering...tears included

Remember last Christmas break when I never got out of bed before 4pm and you bought me jackets for wiping snot on my face. Remember how perfect everyday was and how perfect I was to you. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to you? I remember when we first started dating and I was so jealous of you, I wanted to be you. I think that’s where the infatuation began. You had this perfect house with a surface perfect family, while I knew that you all hated each other it still looked good from the outside and I wanted it. I wanted the two perfect golden retrievers and I wanted two younger sisters that were immaculately beautiful on the outside but ugly as sin on the inside. Maybe I wanted to be one of them and have you as my brother. A tall brother that was as beautiful as me but hated my guts. A tall brother that hated me but would stand up for me in any circumstance cause that’s what brothers do. I guess I’m still jealous of you even though the fa├žade has come down around all of you, around all of us. I still remember the perfect first Christmas season we had together. You even came to see me as the sugar plum fairy, I was so proud to have to you there. I remember when we watched Blow in your room and it hit so close to home that I went into your bathroom in my underwear and was crying against the door. It was like a scene from a movie. Me in my underwear crying because my dad was Johnny Depp, you lying in bed none the wiser thinking about your next line. Remember when I did that strip tease for you to “all I want for Christmas is you” I was so nervous to do it. I’ve performed a million times but this was different, maybe it was the marabou trimmed red bra or maybe it was you. You still make me nervous even with my clothes on.

I haven’t looked at his pictures or listened to his voice in weeks, the pictures are there and his voice is there but I’m not there. Everyone can tell and they keep asking me what the hell I’m doing and my answer is, “ trying not to take things so seriously”

Stop searching forever, happiness is just next you.

November 16, 2005

my vacation

So I went down to San Diego. I was chasing a dream, an old dream and went down there just to see if my dream was still dreaming of me, I guess. Well I wouldn’t go so far as to say he was dreaming about me but he was hospitable and let me stay with him. At first I thought it was for the blowjobs but even that novelty quickly wore off for him. It broke my heart to be there. Not just because of him but to drive the lovely highways reminded me of how terribly lonely I was when I lived there. It’s a beautiful place and I was just bidding my time. Being there with the dream really made me contemplate the choices I had made, especially the one when I told him I couldn’t live there with him. After this weekend I wanted to stay there with him forever, did I make a mistake? Maybe…probably…I don’t know. School sucks I have a test today and a paper due I haven’t studied or started the paper, instead I’m writing a meaningless blog. Better notes on my trip: I got to see some old friends for pie and a spa treatment, this was wonderful but again made me want to stay, did I make a mistake moving? Maybe…probably…I don’t now. Funny story: I went to take a shower at the dream’s house and he got into the shower to remove something, I was very confused, thinking what could he be removing? And then he showed me “I better throw this away.” Smiling. I asked him what is it? He said a condom and walked out. Well I got in the shower and started freaking out cause he said he hadn’t had sex with anyone in his bed so who the hell did he have sex with in shower? I was freaking out the rest of the day and he kept asking what was wrong with me, when I finally brought it up. He said it was ours and he put it in there so when my friends came over it wouldn’t be on the top of the trash. Boy did I feel stupid. Anyway that’s my trip in a nutshell. Oh and I bought some red cowboy boots.

November 07, 2005

Cravings

Lately I’ve been craving the weirdest kinds of things. Not really food so much just things that I want or things that I want to do. I guess it kinda started with the what have I done here post. Craving him. Anyway I was craving turtlenecks, I was thinking just a plain white like I used to wear in my catholic school days with a red heart patch but then when I actually went to look for them I found a fabulous black rainbow striped one. I was also craving lace up van sneakers…tennis shoes… shoes… I don’t know what to call them so I ordered some online, navy ones and they were at my apartment today when I got home I wore them to class and they were so small they blistered my already torn feet, ,which is weird because they are the same size as my slip-on vans, anyway I cleaned them up and am going to try to exchange them. Last night I had the weirdest craving for a cigarette at the look out point in my hometown. I bought a pack, it was a disappointment for sure but the craving was apprehended, what a waste of like 5 dollars though. Anyway my mom broke her elbow so I went home this last weekend to be her nurse while my dad went to work. It was nice, I just lied around in my pajamas all day with her and watched tivo’d Operas and Joel Olstein, which was interesting. One errand I had to go buy her some Metamucil at Walgreen’s and they have those prayer candles with various bible celebrities on them and little prayers, being that I’m not usually that into religious paraphernalia but my mom loves it. I figured I better ask who could hang so I silently asked Jesus (hey Zeus), Mary Magdalene, and the heart of Mary who was up for a little fun, Zeus had a pretty sorrowful look as usual so I went with the un-perfumed heart of Mary, my mom loved the candle and I thought but it was a good conversation in Walgreen’s anyway. Now I’m back in San Francisco for a few days then I’m driving to San Diego for a long weekend. Another recent craving: San Diego I hope it turns out better then the shoes and the cigarettes and a lot more like the turtleneck. Oh I also highly recommend the BBC America show Mile High, there’s nudity and cussing, it’s fabulous.

November 01, 2005

halloween 2005

I should have seen all the signs of foreboding on the horizon when I wanted to run away to Santa Barbara before he even got here but I didn’t. I should have known when I broke the wine glass and hit my head on the corner of the cabinet door. But I didn’t think of it. You would think at least the diamonds would have tipped me off but alas there was no such tipping. I am almost certain that a whole slew of black cats could have crossed my path and all I would have thought was “kitty,” in fact some probably did. If I had paid attention to all these signs maybe I wouldn’t have gotten on the subway train choking with drunken sluts and malcontented students to go to gay central and wander the streets only to smile at the gender blind love that gays only gays find. And then maybe I wouldn’t have begun to resent my mirror image of myself boy friend for all the flaws we both have and then maybe just maybe I wouldn’t have had to walk 4 miles barefoot through unknown wetness on the streets of san Francisco. My own trail of tears as my blistered feet endured tiny rocks and uneven pavement. At one point I even prayed to god to help me, small miracles I guess because I looked up to find smooth asphalt ahead, that was it though no cab, no bus and no boy friend that wanted to help besides telling me that he likes me too much and that I act like a fag when I am upset. This was uncalled for I thought given the circumstances however I also had told him earlier that he was immature and this fell right into that category. Immature and ruining my second favorite holiday as far as I could tell.