And we all fall down

I find myself playing at something and yet nothing is the product. I gave up on the writing and dove into everything else just find a lot of depression. I found myself yesterday remembering how nice it was to let it out even when no one is reading.

A change is on the horizon, perhaps the biggest of changes and yet I lay in bed playing at something and preparing for nothing. These past months or entire year has fallen into place so nicely, a little too nicely and it makes me nervous as a stray caged cat. The boyfriend is perfect I still love to watch him wake up. This is the time I love him most when he opens his eyes and they look prehistoric in color and design. We are playing at something rather serious and I find myself thinking too old for my age. I think in recipes and yard furniture when I should be thinking in drive thrus and parties. An older friend recently told me I am far more mature then her, I just hope I haven’t grown up too fast.

Wait

I wait, transparent, beautiful and worn as an ancient piece of fine lace. My jealousy searing out through my eyes at the sight of any loving couple. I wish to see him, just see him would be enough, Just see him, in this surreal world where his words don’t match his lips, his lips wonderful lips that have left me longing and dreaming of his touch.

But he and his touch and his lips sleep and wake at hours I don’t keep. they reside so far from me, my heart and soul and yet he holds it all, holds my heart and soul and me like a little doll in his huge hand. I picture his hands, making sandwiches, making music, making love happen and I long for him. A world away, and yet I often find myself falling asleep to dream that he’s here with me or I with him, in a hot sticky sweat of humidity and love.

Refresh

Deep breath
Deep breath

Through the winter air, deep breath.

Here it all comes the final culmination and I’ve been craving more of the past, more of the writing, more of the outlet, more of the run-ons. Full intentions of getting back to the writing have been neglected and have only recently become too strong to overlook.

Coming back soon with more.

Time for a refresh.

experiment 1

My hearts broken again but differently this time then the times before that we were all so familiar with. Those times there was a build up a continuous pulsing until it gave out and was torn and scarred. This time it feels as if it fell in slow motion right out of my chest like the tiniest delicate tea cup, I watched it fall and crack into tiny pieces like when you pop a Christmas popper and there is a split second of confetti, pieces of my heart as Christmas confetti. I find myself breathing from email to email waiting for nothing in return, I think I miss him but really I am just cursing every blonde with lengthy straight hair, which makes looking in the mirror rather difficult. I wish I had been languishing here all along, then maybe I wouldn’t find myself in a ball of sobs on the floor or lying on my back staring at the ceiling in all my depressing glory. Also if I had kept it up, the writing, then I wouldn’t be calling my mother to have her compare my problems to those of Sheryl crow who was dumped and got cancer in one week. No my problems in all hopes will never reach those proportions however I do believe we don’t possess a broom that I would trust with the job of sweeping my tea cup pieces of a bursted heart off the tile.

You should write about love

He’s fantastic” you know. I find myself doodling his name in hearts. I don’t know when it happened, this falling in love ordeal, probably right away or maybe some kind of a trickling love, a mist that grew into a heavy rain. I find myself smiling in dream, starring longingly at the pillow where he recently came to lay his head. Someone recently said that this distance must keep it interesting and fun. Yes, but it was interesting when we spent months living together, practically attached. Cooking dinner, dancing on the couch, him pinning me to the wall trying to stop my uncontrollable laughter, which only induced more giggles.

During our summer together all those hangover curing meals of Tabasco Mac n Cheese with Hot Dogs or Salami Grilled Cheese (with mayo and mustard of course) had began to put on the pounds, so I decided I would start running, but I don’t run. So I’d tell him, “I’m going to go on a run.” He’d look at me greatly surprised, I’d put on my super cute running outfit get my new video ipod and go out the door, only to jog about 50 yards and walk the remaining two miles that I had decided my route would include. I assume sitting down next to the path and watching some Law and Order: SVU on my ipod would have been time better spent. Anyway he became intrigued by this exercise I was supposedly doing and decided since he was in between baseball seasons he would run with me. Well he quickly became privy to my little white lie or exaggeration as it were. We still “ran” together everyday me walking along to the tune of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” and him laughing and lapping me so that I was getting back to the house about 20 minutes after him.

And yes I write of love; running and salami, hysterics and pillows, love.