Watching Joseph Gordon Levitt movies and crying myself to sleep.

I miss being alone and cynical. I miss the city and trying my hardest to look hard so I wouldn’t get mugged/raped. I miss him when he’s right next to me and yet I fantasize about running away and never coming back. Things are falling into place; I’m growing up and its terrifyingly cool. The perfect job a million miles away from the perfect place. We settle. I miss the writing and crying alone in cold movie theaters. I miss the fog and almost rain of it. I miss the dance, the fall down, back arching, burn of the dance. Missing it all won’t bring it back but I think the reminiscing is enough for now. Cheers to life, love and the lack there of.

Once Love

Looking through the archives, by March he was gone. The one love that I learned the most from, well I can look back now and call it learning when in reality it was torture, for him and treacherous for me in the long run. Monday he called to wish me happy birthday, I cried when we got off the phone. The torture prevails changing sides as he has undoubtedly blocked me from getting to him. He is sweet but I think his words and drunken advances were nothing more then a ploy to get me into his bed, but of course always the romantic I’d like to think he was trying to touch my heart again. Driving down my favorite road for the last time a panic attack began and I started to feel ripped apart. I knew I had left him too drunk for him to call in the promised five minutes or at all for that matter. I feel splayed open, cut down the center like a frog in seventh grade science. Heart and soul exposed, heart rare and vulnerable for the taking. To be taken between thumb and forefinger and smashed to a muddy crimson mash.


And now to put all the love and hot sweat out of mind and return to my domestication and loneliness, maybe it’s not really the adventure I kept trying to describe.

Make us pockets and sing to us

I wish to live in Neverland, among fairies, lost boys, mermaids and natives. Most of all I wish to hide and tease pirates or maybe just join the ranks and feast on salted meats. Fantasy is far more appealing than anything else and being this close to the vast Caribbean and fanciful islands I cant help but dwell on it. Oh to have no job, oh to never worry or want for anything. Oh to play with wooden swords and pixie dust. My dreams are full of fairy tale bedtime stories and lovely musicals. My entire life I only made one wish, on shooting stars, on 22 years of birthday candles, on eyelashes and falling feathers my one wish has been the same, To fly, to ride on the wind's back, and yet this wish has never never been answered. But still I wish it every chance I get hoping that this will be the truest wish and finally my heart will fly on wings straight for the second star on the right.

And now for one more hope:
Dear Peter Pan;
Please come to my window, I promise to tell you stories, sword fight, make you take your medicine, tantalize Hook to no end and never grow up if you take me to the place were dreams are born and time is never lost.
Love Always Rio

here's to new

I was happy to feel the wave of independence as I exited the cold salty smelling palace. I wanted to touch everything and fall to my knees in a bowing to good fortune sort of joy. From the seaside skyscrapers, to the perfectly placed concrete tiles of the hot sidewalk. I wanted to jump up and dance among the notes of the slow accordion music blaring from hidden speakers. Most of all I wanted the hot sticky air to stick in my lungs, to hang on pulmonary. I watched magenta bougainvillea grow up a white stucco parking structure and thought, is this the answer or just an exquisite excuse for a permanent vacation from real life. Either way I have arrived at my independence, at my future, at my wildest dreams. At a happy place, whether permanent or just for the wonderful now.

Let's Make Pies

I sit in the midst of everything that must go. Crying out, “ Mama, everything’s a mess.” A mirror one foot, twelve inches away and the steaming streaming tears keep coming, uncontrollable sobs that can only be cured by a long road that ends at the next ocean. Loneliness surrounds me and awaits me. Lonely future, lonely freedom.
Lets make pies. Lets make it all go away with cherries and chocolate, with lemons and sweet dough. Hot apples in cinnamon and milk. Lets make pies to make the loneliness not so lonely.


back for more sand dancing.....