Remembering...tears included

Remember last Christmas break when I never got out of bed before 4pm and you bought me jackets for wiping snot on my face. Remember how perfect everyday was and how perfect I was to you. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to you? I remember when we first started dating and I was so jealous of you, I wanted to be you. I think that’s where the infatuation began. You had this perfect house with a surface perfect family, while I knew that you all hated each other it still looked good from the outside and I wanted it. I wanted the two perfect golden retrievers and I wanted two younger sisters that were immaculately beautiful on the outside but ugly as sin on the inside. Maybe I wanted to be one of them and have you as my brother. A tall brother that was as beautiful as me but hated my guts. A tall brother that hated me but would stand up for me in any circumstance cause that’s what brothers do. I guess I’m still jealous of you even though the façade has come down around all of you, around all of us. I still remember the perfect first Christmas season we had together. You even came to see me as the sugar plum fairy, I was so proud to have to you there. I remember when we watched Blow in your room and it hit so close to home that I went into your bathroom in my underwear and was crying against the door. It was like a scene from a movie. Me in my underwear crying because my dad was Johnny Depp, you lying in bed none the wiser thinking about your next line. Remember when I did that strip tease for you to “all I want for Christmas is you” I was so nervous to do it. I’ve performed a million times but this was different, maybe it was the marabou trimmed red bra or maybe it was you. You still make me nervous even with my clothes on.

I haven’t looked at his pictures or listened to his voice in weeks, the pictures are there and his voice is there but I’m not there. Everyone can tell and they keep asking me what the hell I’m doing and my answer is, “ trying not to take things so seriously”

Stop searching forever, happiness is just next you.