July 23, 2008

Lonely never, ever change

I wake in the night breathless from dreams and nightmares, alone for once no one to talk me out of these illusions except the bright light of the television.
In dream I choked and struggled for breath as I ran from my family congregated in a church, I never was good at breathing when it comes to structured God. As I ran from the white clap board steeple down the dirt path my nightmare followed me, a young man, he must have been beautiful at one point, in a suit with a black cloth over his head, once I turned to catch my breath he was there unveiling as I screamed, “no, no, no.”
His right eye was sewn shut.
Blind to the world?
I woke with a start still mouthing the negative.
This vision has left me in a funk listless and sad. Listening to old standards as I go through the motions, “ Lovely never, ever change.” These songs remind me of dinner parties from my childhood, candlelight and Billie Holiday, pasta and my mom sneaking cigarettes. Days were easier then, nights too, and I just keep searching for somewhere beyond the sea.