July 28, 2005

Ties that bind

From the sparkle of her earring to the gleaming polish of her toes she couldn’t help but close her eyes and wish that his voice would stop the glory of it all would end, but there was the poetry that he wouldn’t quit. The poetry of them together was too much to bare, it was better then any Whitman, Frost or Longfellow. It was real poetry, with no bounds and no author, but the music that they made together. The eloquence of the words that danced around them; laughter, forgiveness, loves, peace, blue and water. There was so much more to the book, their book of days to end all days and together they would find what they had been looking for. Or maybe just maybe they will fly away, fly away together to make a new home away from judgment, away from ties that bind.

And so they fall in to it, into their pattern of looks and unknown outcomes for they can not say what the future will hold because they are those ties that bind they are everything and nothing as they lie there together finding themselves finding each other. Their love as fleeting as the dusty wings of a moth meant to take them away, while those wings can take flight with such ease they are so quickly ruined with the slightest touch of a human, a mortal in every sense of the word.

July 23, 2005

Sad Kisses

Today through the blur of my sleepless hang over I started thinking on the subject of kissing, as I often do. I started thinking about me and my pseudo boyfriend and how our kisses have turned from passionate and uncontainable to sad, very sad. There is a new softness between our lips that wasn’t there before, it’s as if we are trying to hold everything together with our kisses and nothing is working. The clock is ticking so quickly, ever so quickly and I can’t hold him here with my sad kisses.

Upon kissing someone else I begun to compare how these new kisses were so happy and so tight while my other kisses were falling apart a the seams. Maybe it was technique, maybe it was experience maybe it was the passion of a three year build up. I’m not even sure it was worth it even though I often refer to this new kisser as the love of my life. This love, this young love and his perfect tongue, shed so much light on the aspects of other relationships I am attempting to hold on to with sad kisses and lies. I hate that those fresh kisses made me sad instead of excited for future rendezvous. I did however tell my mother and she said she was very happy for me. Apparently I was wrong, they do want to know about your conquests and they think they are good things, probably in moderation. I’m getting too old for this shit. Sad kisses and happy tongues, drunken madness and Usher- a night that I wish I could return to and tweak to perfection.

On side note: Professor Paul are you still reading?

July 22, 2005

“Run the scenario”: summer

The taste of alcohol exploded into my brain, my blood. I concentrated on sucking all the liquid from the slush of ice. In the hot sun we melted, me and my fruity drink. And I pondered me and my fruity drink. Was this it? Was this all there was? Sun and hiding. Could I possibly be once again crushing myself into another once a week viewing of my admiration. The coolness of the pool called to my frying legs, the ideals of total succumb through the eyes of a fish. And there she lays just a few chairs over, the object of my admiration. Shit. Summer.

Lying at the pool surrounded by dirty feet and towels, cups with BUD LIGHT printed on them containing drinks I don’t know the name of but desire to experience each. And I stare at everyone so scantily clad. Eyes closed, eyes open. Little girls with soda, grown men with fries, me with pencil and paper. It was much too much in reality. Mostly I stared at her, the perfection of her tan, her tan thighs, the way sea horses danced across her bathing suit, it was too much. And yet I had chosen to sit by her to get a better view, to get the courage to talk to her.

Three woodpeckers pecked away at the swaying palms, so cliché, so oxymoronic. Woodpeckers and palm trees and yet they swayed together against the backdrop of blue. Each palm a different height, each woodpecker climbing higher and higher against a backdrop of Dave Mathews. And I sucked the toxic liquid from my ice haven to escape this heaven. Where I found myself questioning every aspect of my life. “Solace comes to those who drink.” – a proverb in the making. And summer, summer at its finest moment.

They sat next to us, these two old guys. She’s beautiful so I understand why. She was rubbing oil on herself as he lay down his towel smiling under his dark glasses. I wanted to protect her, put some force field around her so he couldn’t watch her. It wasn’t enough. As he sat I overheard him mutter things but there was one phrase that stuck out. “ Run the scenario, run the scenario,” he said to his friend. They muttered something about high heels then the talked turned to Japan and business. “ Run the scenario… fucking Samurai. I didn’t get it all and again retreated to my bloody mary. His Texan accent threw me. Oh and he kept talking about celebrities in Hollywood and “ wait till I through this Hollywood actor in the mix.” It was like he knew the lady in the high heels would notice and suddenly want to do his fat, hairy, ugly, white self. I think not and stop staring at my pseudo girl friend and her amazing lips…

July 18, 2005

drunk dialing...your parents

recently i found a trend among my friends that are soon to be legal drinking agen and those have just become legal; when thye get drunk they often call their parents. i have even done it and i've called my parents when on e once too. its weird, i guess we are at this place where they are about to become more of our friend and not our guardian and for me i have just realized how cool they are and really, what drunk person doesnt want to talk to someone they think is cool? so i realized all this yesterday. i was attending a wedding where my mother was the officiant and my father was one the groomsmen. about half of those attneding are in A.A. i guess you can only imagine what the other half were, anyway i was in the other half and so was my date (the Ex) and we were making up for everyone who couldnt drink. he tried to convince me to hook up with him in the bathroom but i wasnt drunk enough, it was the middle of the day and my parents were there. anyway as we were going to leave i kept saying how i needed to go talk to my parents, even after three glasses of wine and one of champagne. i did, it was awkward and so we left and upon arriving at his house he went to talk to his parents, as i took off my dress anf flopped into his bed i began thinking how weird it was that he wanted to talk to his parents when he was drunk and that i had as well, and then i thought how the night before my friend had drunk dialed her mother to check in, and that we had called another friends mom to buy us alochol and see if she wanted to hang out cause we arent quite 21 yet. ( she hooked it up with the alcohol but wasnt down to hang out). so with all this evidence i began mind blogging and then i realized im drunk i'll never remember this to i wrapped myself in a blanket and went to find some paper to write down my thoughts of course at this time, once i had situated myself at the Ex's desk with a pad of paper searching for a pen, did he walk in and to his surprise found me half naked ready to write a novel. he said "what are you doing" i said "i needed to write something down cause im too drunk and ill forget." but saying this made me realize its possible i'll remember. he wondered why i needed to write something down. well i couldnt tell him for my blog because he's the reason i had to start all over because he found my previous explicit blog. oops. anyway good times all around but keep that phone at bay when hitting the bottle, im alomst positive most parents dont want to know which guy your planning on hooking up with tonight especially if hes your first boyfriend's step brother and your doing it because you think its the chance of a life time, they wont think its legendary or cool.

July 14, 2005

sitting in showers; feeling a waste

I was just sitting in the shower in fact I’m still naked and dripping wet because I was afraid that I would forget what I was mind blogging in there- my memory is so shot from too much illegal fun I cant remember things easily lately. Anyway I was sitting in the shower and the honesty started flowing quickly, my eyes sting at the rate of the honesty that looked back at me in the mirror. Sitting in the shower I was thinking about how awful everything is, my lack of funds and the weekly bank reminders of my overdrawn account, my lack of employment and employmentability for that matter, I have no skills, I’m getting fat again, its all the fast food and no drugs, damn it damn it. So sitting in the shower I thought about what would happen if I don’t get into school, what if my conditional acceptance becomes unaccepted because i didn’t check my credits carefully or my transcript doesn’t come in time. I have no motivation and so much to do. The waters hitting my face like a heavy rain and I wish I was drowning because all this noise would go away but I just turn up the heat and continue to sit its getting dark out its getting dark in. I think my blogging ability is returning, a little depression goes a long way but honesty takes you right back to square one.

July 13, 2005

beer and irons

oh wow. well since i quit my job at the boy scout camp i've been getting these weird odd jobs from my family. like cleaning out my cousin's cabinets or washing her windows. anyway i'm not really making any money which has done terrible things to my bank account like overdrawn it. so today i had nothing to do and my mother signed me up to iron pillow cases at my aunts bed and breakfast rentable mansion-ish type place. she does most of the cleaning herself. so all afternoon thats what i did. we played music and she told me about the woes of her daughter's feautureless relationship with her boyfriend. is was fun. then we went swimming in the pool and cleaned out the leaves because apparently the german business men staying there now told her, " we love your pool but can you take out the bugs." (think german accent) we did our best to get the bugs out. and then we split a beer and some tortilla chips and went back to ironing. mind you i dont think i've ever really ironed before, im not very domestic or helpful around the house for that matter, definately not wife-ish, not that i should be i'm 20 but anyway i got to iron my way today: to the dirty dancing soundtrack and with a glass of beer. ah this summer is looking up or maybe i'm just about to pass out. i would tell you more about my summer but i dont quite have the courage to delve back into my fast times since the incident. more later when i've had some more beer or when i get the guts to throw caution to the wind.

July 11, 2005

in love?

I fell in love and its too late. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do but it was a literal fall. I wasn’t looking and didn’t want it but it happened like being washed down a drain during a storm, there was nothing for me to grab on to and no way for me to shake him loose. Hes sweet but hes moving and that’s the reality, I have to finish school, and I don’t find myself thinking hes the one and hes worth waiting for but… hes funny, and I always laugh when I am with him, mostly at him. We’ve gotten there,, I just said I love you to him over the phone it was freaky and so time warranted. It feels as if because he is moving we know that not exactly real, because it has to be over the day he steps on that plane, that caution can be thrown down that same drain and we may as well do it all while there is still time. There is however the other side of the coin where I expect that he is constantly cheating on me and I am cheating on him to get back at him. We are too much alike to be honest with each other but when we are together the rest of the world no longer exists. The cell phones are turned off (for fear of other mates calling), if out in public we are fairly oblivious to other strangers except the frequent good looking stranger that we both will weigh in as an option or a threat. I miss him and hes still here for another month. In this month so much will change, so much will be over and so much will begin. He wont be here but we will still have the memories. And yes I do talk of the pseudo boyfriend what has become of his pseudo-ness? I know not but he went to my family event yesterday, it was ……well interesting luckily I think they were drunkish and will hopefully forget the fact that hes a wigger? Probably not oh and yes I love a wigger.

July 08, 2005

brittney spears

today, or maybe it was yesterday this whole week really blurs together, anyway i caught the end of one those shows on mtv or VH1 something about brittney spears and kevin and their life, i think it was some kind of federline family marathon cause i saw there was another similar show on after. they were talking about that letter that she wrote that supposedly changed her life, ive heard other tidbits about this letter but dont know the complete story, so one of those medicore comedians that they have hired to be experts on famous people for some reason starts saying how bad the letter was and what a terrible writer brittney is (yes we are and first name basis) so that got me thinknig about my writing and since i have started blogging how much i have been commended for the quality as well as entertainment value that my writing has. maybe brittney should start a blog, not that she has time but it cold help her writing cause we all know that is a big concern of hers. forget your abs brit we want some shakepeare shit about you and the fed. ew gross i can tbelieve i just blogged about brittney spears and her husband, im so not that kinda girl. not that anyone besides doug is reading this for the time being, thanks doug im working on my following.

July 03, 2005

brown sugar

and no this has nothing to do with a rap video or hip hop dancers, although that could be another blog as i do love hip hop dancers anyway. today i was transfering some brown sugar from a box to a jar, this is my job i organize cabinet and shelves for the time being, and as i got a wiff of the stuff i couldnt help but soak in everything that brown sugar is. i've come to the conclusion that i happen to love the scent, while it is so sickeningly sweet it alomost smells sour or rank at the same time, reminds of myself. anyway my favorite part is the granules how sharp yet grainy they are and alhtough the texture is rough they melt so easily in the wetness of your mouth. as tacky as they are i love those wedding cakes made to look like sand castles where they use brown sugar as the sand, im so silly my second blog about brown sugar but this is my day, brown sugar? eh? i'm thinking i get some brown sugar scented perfume, just smelling the stuff made me want to do me so that has to be good. oh i never got to the tase oh wow thats like the best part, i love it because its not as refined as white sugar, much more random and misshappen, more real. and here i go more about brown sugar, i promise i'll think of something better soon. i'll be eating it while i think of something else to tell you'all about.

July 01, 2005

my heart

it feels as if my heart has been ripped from my chest and therein lies an empty hole where flowers may grow or open coals will burn. rio~like a river every flowing ever changing making new and cleansing itself cleansing from the inside out, so i will sit and cleanse as a river as a rio and dance upon the sand dance to my non-existing heart's content spin until there is no one watching and i can finally sit and rest from my running from my spinning thank you for being here thank you for letting me go.