December 25, 2010

Where In We Meet at the Perfunctory of the Meniscus

I barely slept in your hot sheets as I held your hand and simultaneously dreamt of you. You parallel old obsessions and ambitions in an alarming way, you are however more tidy but equally unavailable. I wanted for you to hold me in the morning but it would seem you lost your nerve in soberness and instead slept with your fist covering your ear. I may have given up too much of myself as your nonchalantness in the late morning hinted at the fact you would likely let my text messages go unanswered in the later afternoon. And now if I thought I doted before, this close proximity boils the obsessions to the surface. Push down, float silently below the perfunctory. Where in the sweating and tiredness of muscles made me nervous, I now wait there, sweat slowly tracing my spine, watching for you to show. Things are pushing at the meniscus when I reality you are nothing. Mere dust between my fingers, lost smoke exuding your lips, synthesized melodies lost on deaf ears. Let me not again call out fire before the match is lit.

November 30, 2010

You've Left Me Doting

You are the perfect antidote to feeling sorry for myself. You came out of no where so unexpectedly and melted the chill in the crisp afternoon air. I quickly lost myself in your lips and manly aroma, and as we burned in your sheets I closed my eyes and dreamt of architecture. Now that I'm left drowning in what's left of the melodies of our always too brief encounters, something between a sneeze and tears pushes at my sinuses and leaves me smiling. These sweet verses have made me slow down a bit, climb this hill a little slower and daydream of you, only to reach the summit and be reminded that I had vowed to harden this shell. So I speed down the back side of the mountain a little nauseous, with salt water specks hanging from my lower lashes. It would seem that whatever seed it is you planted long ago has sprung open and filled this translucent hard candy shell with wildflowers that bend and twist towards the sunlight of your smile. The weight of the workweek pushes on my mind while fond bruises weigh on my hips, similarly to your bruised ribs that left you writhing in pain rather than passion. I'm pulling for another meeting, vowing not to let you in but chasing you through thirsty dreams. While you may have been the perfect antidote I don't believe you have the want or availability to quench my thirst for you. So I'll imbibe something else, something water, something tea and leave these obsessions for another opportunity to let my crazy show behind rose colored glasses while you unnervingly impose by holding, by wrapping our hands in your sweatshirt to trip down city streets and insist on kissing me at each turn.

November 26, 2010

And the Shell Gets Harder

You begged for a way in, and found a tiny hole in which to plant this seed again. You gained entry to my heart when I thought I had all but locked it up. Pushed and prodded, scrambling in the sand like a gladiator, you have struck me again and I stumble, only to make the shell harder. And It will be harder next time, if there is a next time and when you try to whisper “I love you” in the dark of a drunken stupor I won’t let you, not again will you cry to me, cry wolf, cry love and then turn around and rip the rug out from under us when you sober up. And the shell gets harder, a thick candy coating, fierce sugar and I pull my hand away from you in public. Stop hurting me, stop getting in, stop melting this barricade that has been the only thing to keep me sane and trudging along this road whilst I can barely stand. I reach out, reach across miles of land and space and time to make room, make a space for you and while you have done your best, I feel left in spit again.

Cover the cracks with vivacious liquids, meager tonics and slow lagers. Salty tears mix with sweet fears and a trail makes its way towards my heart. Stop it now, it’s been enough. I vowed to keep it simple and simply have fun, but you pushed me towards more and whispered at more then turned around to slap me with rules. I’ll not bow at your feet cause you think you’ve changed, I’ll not pretend the past doesn’t exist if you’re just going to keep repeating it. The beast has reared its ugly head again and all I wanted to do was dance with you. Put my small hand in yours and waltz again through dreams. I should have known better than to have ever let my feet leave the ground, and the shell gets harder. I’ll wither away in here, alone and choking back feelings I don’t let myself have anymore. And the shell gets harder, because I wouldn’t let you in again, the shell gets harder.

October 22, 2010

do we fall apart?
or rise from pending ashes
steadfast family?

September 15, 2010

Lateral Movements

A slow smile came over my face as lights of years gone by shone below, sparkled as the descent began. A rapid descent towards lights and water, this coastal home once agin called to me and I remembered the ways in which I had often contemplated my pilgrimage back to the these seaside smells and morning fog. Spacious and new, yet reminiscent of the place in which I had found myself alone for so long. Driving along coastal cliffs and winding towards the sea, sitting in cold theaters sipping lemonade. Maybe there is a way back now, maybe the pilgrimage has begun. A slow meandering towards this small city of bridges and bright lights. Old friends welcome me home again and then there is this persistence of an old love, coast to coast our lives have continued to parallel and now at this moment these parallel tracks have merged whether by force or by chance, we find ourselves skating towards each other rushing and passing towards each other. We might find a moment to grasp hands, find a time to spin in this whirlpool of an old love that has become shockingly fresh like the cold bite of the pacific ocean. And yet my guard stays up, this chain link fence of curiosity remains intact while you lean your way in, I hide and hold back. My body feels weak from dancing, my brain feels weaker from staying up too late and yet I contemplate how to make this lateral movement possible, time to jump tracks and chase sunsets.

September 14, 2010

Apart Together

Time ticks on, we push for 20 minutes.
Reality nudges at the back of my mind with the heaviness of alcohol.
I watch your new self in your new novelty,
it's like nothing l've seen before
and yet I appreciate the ways in which we have grown apart together.
Your sweet kisses
and the way I have faced my larger fears in the midst of this weekend make me want to stay
and languish in the afternoon sun with you.
Can we find a happy medium?
Can I find a way out of this perpetuation of reality and escape to live in the daydreams of my weekends?
Time pushes on
we have minutes and the pressure of your body won't keep me here long enough,
but let's take these last moments to dote on eachother, slowly, softly.

August 19, 2010

Seasonal Hopes

Devouring crisp apples waiting for days of fallen leaves. Wishing for the thoughtful loneliness of antiquated Northeastern cemeteries. The bite of Autumn posts against the corner of a summer that never came. I find myself uninspired by old inspirations when the opportunity finally arises. Old scars of love and sun drenched weekends pulse as waves of fog roll on. Wishes for biting October sun or a new moon outrace thoughts on subjects more pertinent. This cycle of heavy kisses and lingering looks will undoubtedly end in ruin and loneliness, the kind of loneliness that I have once languished in, the kind that I have missed but fully intend to quickly return to. These dreams of Fall plague my thoughts and hinder all productive moves forward. Broken hearts and misunderstandings lie dirty and rusted alongside this long road, mine repeatedly among them. As a solemn queen trudges to her death I wait for Fall and fall back into old habits. Without the boundaries of a monochrome board of players I’m left to wander in wonder at this fleeting life, these iridescent pearls of experience strung together by robot-like movements. Smoke streams from the dying fire within my chest and I find myself staring into wisps of steam instead. Entangled like the partners of a pas de deux, smoke and steam, from my fires and boiling points dance past my vision only to reveal that wanton trail of candy red rusted hearts and lost crowns that once sat on stable heads. I dream for Fall so that I may hide behind high collared coats and feathered masks, so that I may waltz through this bright masquerade and find myself hidden in a crowd, hiding in plain sight and once again languishing in that crisp solitude of a harvest sunset.

August 18, 2010

Kisses taste the same
even after all these years
test me with them more

August 10, 2010

your heartbeat keeps time
your chest heaves with life and love
sleep like this always

August 07, 2010

Log Out My Love

Every time I wear this jacket I am reminded of that night we danced up foggy steep streets waiting for the bus. Each time I put it on I hope you will appear like a ghost or apparition, I sit in wait, I wait and hope. The warmth of my jacket is nothing compared to the warmth I felt as we held hands on your sunken couch. I’ve kept these memories sacred, cherished moments when I am walking through fog and am reminded of the way you looked in my eyes, the way you assured me of your wiseness. If only I had known my heart would still feel these flutters long after those February days had gone, I may have taken it slower, I may have suggested another venue but maybe it wasn’t place but time that confounded the circumstance. Your bright eyes and sharp wit were no match for my want to swan dive into love with you, with someone close to nothing I had known before and yet too close to everything I know. Now my want for these wishes to be realities is out pegged by the reality that I have cornered myself into love with everything I know and can’t have. To this end I will wear this jacket with the fondest of memories pinned to the lapel like the red plaid bow you liked so much and wait for your ghost to materialize before me for another night of wine soaked dreams to be lost in fog and smoke.

July 27, 2010

I'm drowning slowly
sink down with me toward dark
choking in quicksand

July 16, 2010

Honey Soaked Summer Nights

My mouth is stuck in a fond smile as I sit down to recount. You make me laugh, laugh at you. My interest goes beyond the touches, your interest may not. Tenderly you remove my shoes and are met with giggles, I laugh at your chivalry but know all too well there’s much more to your intentions. Sleep pushes at the backs of my eyes but I struggle to stay awake past the dancing. You tell me about your dreams while I barely speak at all, dumbfounded by circumstance and drowning in drowsiness. I’m silently enthralled at the way you love your friends, love your wine, love your food. Inspiring and unexpected as always, these beer fueled encounters leave me melancholy but surprisingly pleased. I like the way you talk with your hands, you like the way I let you kiss me. Until we meet again the honey hives surge on with sweet nectar waiting for harvest and I find my lips ever so slightly stung.

July 10, 2010

Falling is Easy When You're Already Lying Down

Your kisses in that dark room haunt my mind while my doting words go unanswered, your advances are slight without the push of hot alcohol. Steam rises between martinis and dancing, steam rises while we whisper secrets, secrets as kisses. I hold onto these moments, I grapple back over the edge of the cliff my obsessions have pushed me beyond. My want for you is one-sided but in our friendship I find little treasure. I long for you on lonely roads as I listen to our favorite songs. Within my chest cavity a tornado spins, my sad heart withering and wilting as this whirlwind of emptiness drives through me. An answer from you, some reciprocation is not the antidote but I wouldn't overlook it all the same. I trudge along keeping smooth wrists far from sharp edges, as to not let out the hurt but keep it in and turn it into mismatched words left to be digitized.


Goodbye My Lover

What the Fog Can't

I float alone into the fog, it oozes into me but fails to fill the voids in my mind and heart. Familiar songs bring old emotions and traffic. Wide eyed I wait for tears but can't seem to eek or blink out anything real. Wide open spaces feel more confined as my want for what I can't have out weighs those that want for what I can't give. Let the band play on, let the music and the melodies seam old scars and fill what the fog can't.

July 09, 2010

walking with flowers
petals softly graze my cheek
instead of whiskers

July 07, 2010

I miss our dancing.
Your presence is comforting,
albeit unreal.

July 05, 2010

The Fourth of July
Fireworks die lost in the fog
Irony at best.

July 02, 2010

As the phone rings on
I must silent the secrets
to protect your heart

June 30, 2010

can we talk all night?
my feelings for you are huge
kiss me in darkness
We could fall again
but now sophisticated
by time and heartbreak

June 29, 2010

I want to kiss you
on your mouth again slowly
and fall into you
Quickly my heart pounds
Something has started to stir
Here we go again

June 28, 2010

Fariytales again
Place my hand in yours
Like a Beauty to her Beast

June 10, 2010

Selfish Shellfish

I’m scrambling for something I don’t even want
I’m being selfish and spreading myself towards thin.
Your awkwardness isn’t the answer but it’s filling a void I was keen to keep open prior to these late night sways and long look stays. I shouldn’t be jerking you around because in the long run I’ll be the one painted as the jerk.
When I run away, when I take it just far enough, I’ll stop short before I jump and look at you blankly.
Lets not hold hands anymore; it’s too much to look at you when you’re not looking. Lets not stay up too late anymore to find nothing there in the morning.
I’m already sorry before it has even started.
Phantom music plays on.
Phantom figures in the dust.
Incessant buzzing and I can’t find the bees or sweet honey.
I’ve stopped looking to myself for solace; the cracks and rust in my armor are becoming more and more apparent and obvious.
I know it looks like a way in, I know it looks good and solid from where you sit, where you lie with your eyes closed but its not its broken and breaking.
I just want to lie in warm arms a bit longer to regain my strength.
The trade off however might be your heart but I’d rather yours than mine.

June 02, 2010

Somewhere Between the Fog and the Sun

I read these old things, words of my own and well at the thoughtful emissions, well at the thoughtlessness of winding words and roads.
Eyes close, eyes open and there you are and there I am staring back with blown eyes wanting, needing for your touch.
A secret lulls between heavy musical beats and soft bruises until it becomes too much to bear and we find ourselves falling into familiar factions of desperate kisses. Your hands too much while wanton exclamations of love go unnoticed.
Hold me.
Hurt me.
Fall into me the way I find myself falling into you.
Sleep settles the mind for short moments and hours until we wake and try to recount what secrets were exchanged til dawn.
When the night started I stared into the mirror and was answered with a regal smile that knew all too well where the night could lead, back down this path of least resistance, back into this den of inequity.
I can’t keep writing about you and pretending it means nothing. I can’t keep daydreaming about you and pretending it means nothing while my eyes well with salty tears.
But it does mean nothing, it is nothing.
I will continue to silently adore you, except on the nights we let it go too far and my altered mind can find all the right words to lay upon your deaf ears.

May 25, 2010

Life Tetris

I saw a picture of a ballet dancer and started to cry
I had a dream about a blue kitten and woke to whimpers
Twists and turns form along the road in front of me
Chances for a life-up, chances to make a change while I wish for days of old
Days of tulle and floating feathers
I day dream through corporate meetings about beach dance parties, the sand sticking to sweat as all demons and worries are released
Trying to turn down poison for easy release pills
The trade off being my mind
If I can dance it all off, stretch it all away
I may just find myself at the twist or turn towards success
Here’s hoping it all falls down and right into place

May 21, 2010

Dear Friend,

The sky is turning black and I want to help you but you don’t think you need it. It’s getting dark out here but all you see is the light, drawing you closer like a moth to a flapping flame.
When the chips fall I wanna be there.
When you lose it all I’m gonna be here.
But it’s becoming increasingly more difficult not to cast shadows on all this glory you think you’re basking in.
Please come back down before you fall or get pushed.
It’s dangerous living in love with all your vitals exposed.

May 09, 2010

Wanted: Swim Lessons

Teardrops hang on the edges of my eyelashes as I search for you along the water’s edge. Just when I thought I had won the fight of your wake the undertow pulls me back under and I’m drowning in what was once your love. Like a rope around my ankle you pull me farther down as I struggle, as I paddle towards rays of sun and oxygen. Gasping for breath and freedom. Bobbing like a buoy in an ocean of loneliness waiting for tides and storms to bring us back together. Dancing in pools, sitting on stools. Anxiety beats at my brain as I try to push you, keep you at arm’s distance. Stop wanting to touch me and lie to me through your highs. You look disheveled and I curtsy, bow to your every advance. There’s nothing left to say, our Russian roulette of pain and ecstasy will continue to wind and whirl, your touch, your smell will continue to wind and whirl through my sanity striking me mindless and hopeless when I least expect. If I had the power to dance away this stronghold, the chance to kick off that rope pulling me under I'd stay motionless and continue the drowning for certain death by heartbreak is inevitable. Keep my heart in your hands, it doesn’t know anything else.

May 07, 2010

You, Me, Us, We

We fiend, we find, we pay.
We fall, we twist, we turn into old patterns, into catching up between catching breaths.
You dance, you laugh, you drink.
I watch, I fall, I play along.
Farther down old feelings push at unstructuring synapses.
I wait, I want, I take.
You rush, you take, you want.
We rock, we roll, we wave but the fire needs fuel and the same stories keep getting told.
Lips brush, lips crush, and tokens of nothing are exchanged.
You say, you want, you own.
I push but pull and you waver not at all.
You taste the same, smell the same, kiss the same as you once did in the stark starlight of first kisses and first crushes.
"Don't you want to kiss me?"
"Oh please you're the only one I want to kiss."
But you'll leave in the morning hidden behind sleep depravation, you won't make eye contact and I'll be left yearning ever so slightly.
You tease, you rush, you're gone again.
I please, I crush, I'm thrown again.‏

May 02, 2010

The Sunset

I’m thinking I will drive to the beach and watch the sunset, but once it sets I get pretty sad so maybe I’ll just lie in bed and clench my jaw. I wait for calls I’m too embarrassed to answer and try to get the courage to stop the snow balling effects of my actions. Read on. Reeds on the beach, I really do want to watch that sunset but I would have to shower first. Funny little words strung together, inspiration has strange effects on what’s left of my brain. Dear me, let’s go to the beach and brush my teeth before.

at the beach:
Now that I’m here I cant be sure why. It’s chillingly beautiful and loud. Waves crashing, windy breezes whipping, the sun slowly sinking but burning orange into retinas the beach over. I reach out but really wish to float away on the wind’s breezes and rolling wakes. I’m feeling too confined by the winding roads and whispers, my legs are sore and cramped. We can’t see ourselves aligning when nights are spent sipping truth serum but coming up empty handed, empty laughs. Lessons in loneliness continue while I find myself surrounded by good company poisoned by honesty. It chills, the sky forms shades of sherbert, the ocean darkens hinting slightly at the fathoms below. The sun obtusifys and the sadness starts to sink-in in the same fashion. Hide behind clouds on the horizon, hide behind shrouds and cloaks only to find the dagger that was once in my heart is now in my hand. Skipping rocks and skipping school have lost their allure and the seasons smell only of smoke and saltwater. We come out, a sliver is left and soon pinks will turns to purples will turn to blacks and the first star won’t be a star at all. The world will still spin for now and runners will still run and I’ll be left writing sadly.

April 28, 2010

The Roar of the Engine

Like magnets their lips shocked together, these old patterns were easy but some how different. Sweeter, he tasted sweeter and nicer, he snuggled better. His smile still the same, that smile that had made him the one in a crowd of jostling young men so many years ago. In the dark glow of HBO that smile flashed back and took her back to nights of shaking and butterflies. Even now as she writes about it she smiles, the best freckles and that smile, that smirk of content, nothing had changed, he somehow still had her in his clutches unbeknownst to him. He would burn her again in the next 48 hours, thinking these lessons ought not be learned twice she would turn off, shut down for awhile. But in the middle of the night she would find herself smiling to his smile and know there would be more burns to bear, for this tumultuous affair of serendipitous events was just revving its engine for another journey.

April 26, 2010

Reading Relations

It’s become increasingly more obvious that while I barely cracked the book this chapter is over.

Let’s go back to dancing wildly, where touch meant nothing and our movements spoke to beats alone. If we could go back, let’s go, let’s rush to our old cynicism and nights of Mexican beer. While I continue to daydream on you everything else points back, go back to the wondrous friendship and forget what the heavy drinks and buzzing signs felt like as we tumbled down into that mutual space of desire.

And now I will try with all my might to let it be what it never was a, just a friendship, for that is all it can be as we turn the page to start a new paragraph and old reconnaissance.

April 11, 2010

A Kiss Amiss

I feel myself reach out and pull at the tiny string that connects us, I pinch at it and pull hoping you will respond with light. If I thought I missed you before, if I thought she was ridiculous for saying the separation caused physical pain, I thought wrong. If I wished for that to happen for so many years, If I thought and wished it would be easy I wished amiss. How could you whisper that to me as I tousled in sheets and dreams and your lips? How could you say that and not know my mind and heart would wander down this retched road?

I let it, we let it, go too far. My mind said no, for that path of least resistance we tumbled down was incoherently felonious on every possible level. But I fell, no jumped with my heart first into a dark chasm that I had wished and thought about for so long. And now here I am pulling on that little string, reaching towards that little machine in hopes you will be on the other line but hoping mostly that what you whispered, what you said and the way you touched me were real and not a ploy or induced by cheap alcohol and neon lights.

April 08, 2010

It's Sinking, It's Getting Deeper

These are the nights where I don’t want to be thinking “oh this town” I want to be knowing “oh this city.”
These are the nights where I want to go walking and feel a little cold but my heart is warm.
These are the times where I want to be thinking I‘m home, and I’m alone and its quiet.
The only words are the thoughts in my head.
Where the dimming lights are more than innovation, where my great city coos with wet tires and electricity.
Until then these are the nights where I devise and scheme a way home to my Shangri-la, to my loves, to my city by the bay.
...
Oh incessant annoyances can be put to bed but the incessant words keep ringing and I’m wringing hands to keep above the panic.
Take me back and hurry before I forget you or let it get too deep here love!

April 05, 2010

The Old Neighborhood

We stretch out over the intercoastal. I rush to lift the shade, my eyes well, my throat clenches, and the guy next to me continues to drum to the beats in his headphones. It could be the surprise first-class free wine or the fact that I thought I would never come back. But now as I coast thousands of miles over my old home I am at a loss for why the emotion is sad, is regret. Could it be that this time I am alone? That so much of this old life here was a we and now it’s just me, experiencing life alone. I regress back to lessons in loneliness; I retrace the memories we made here and rushed away from. Do I call out you? Do I tell you “here I am? Here I am!” Only to make you feel worse, feel just as sad but still alone on our new/old coast. I didn’t mean to leave you hurt and I didn’t mean to follow you here. But here I am back on this lovely turquoise waterway filled peninsula, alone and I want more than ever to call to you and remind you of the beauty here and beauty that once was between us, ironically before we ever got here. I’m sorry my old love I’m looking for new experiences in our old neighborhood and only finding bittersweet reminders.

April 03, 2010

Old Love on the Horizon

I’m feeling unusually melancholy, I sit listless and alone. Alone and full of lists. But it's you my na├»ve knave that I will miss. You my friend, you my dear, new friend. Horizons are changing; vacations will bring new beaches and beats for short days of old abandon. Let the coming rain wash away these melancholy tears and let me return like the rising sun to set on new goals and smiles. Old scars feel fresh and I can’t help but think of old loves. As I traverse by air my mind will wander to the thoughts of love past...

March 30, 2010

Silent Whispers Resonate Among Friends

We sit here smiling with our secrets.
We stand here humming with our fears.

… and all I want to do is lie on the couch and listen to you sing me a song.

My eyes try desperately to hide my deceptions and the cage around my heart does what it can to keep in the scandals. Oh, yes I’d like to fancy myself a keeper of a great many secrets but the reality is I wear them on my sleeve. Pinned there with tears, hanging loosely along with my sad scarred heart.

But I could sit with you and beguile awhile. You can tell me your curiosities while I try to keep my head above water, above wine. You can smile with your tongue and laugh with your ears while I smile with my crush and melt with my eyes. Your inquiring questions leave me intoxicated with alarm, this honesty is fresh and makes everything else easy.

March 23, 2010

Just a Friend

We can try from here to keep the boundaries clear.
We can hope for the best, while forgetting the rest.
With the status unknown you can call me at home.
I'll be waiting and baited,
I'll be dancing outdated.
You'll be playing my song,
even after I'm gone.
But this secret still blows,
through the wind, down the rows.
I can't say what it is,
but it seems everyone knows.
Let's share one more drink,
then sit back down to think.
I'll sleep here again,
I'm just not sure when.
This might not be fear
but you can't keep me here.
I'm looking to run and you probably can't come.
There's a place by the bay and I'll live there someday.
But up until then,
Let's just be friends.

March 11, 2010

Did we just make Love?

Your picture is ominous but it pulls at my heartstrings slightly. I day dream of rubbing your back to night dream but now I’ll let the conversation and communication lull to a dull sane, only to rile the anxiety back up in the coming weeks. I wish I dreamt of you more or inversely I wish I slept with you more and worsely maybe I will dream of you tonight while I wait on love to bleed from nothing while I wait on myself to need for nothing. Not need for you and your haberdashery, not need for it and its high highs, not need for music and it’s low lows. Lets go dancing through my memories, lets find me in cold movie theaters hanging on every slow note alone, lets find me walking along dirt paths to end at foggy cliffs, lets find you in my dreams and in my life sitting cold on foggy cliffs and dancing under blue glass, maybe dancing to blue grass. “Who are you?” you’ll puff and I’ll waver slightly “who are you?” you’ll pass and I’ll wager it all in that dark azure glow. Cash in my chips just to be known as the girl that cried love, cried early morning tears for love that couldn’t be but somehow seemed to linger in late night staring contests.

February 22, 2010

What's Life got to do with it?

When these flailing arms should be like wings of freedom I just feel like a newborn grappling for its mother. As my heart beats into the next panic attack I try to find solace in the little things, the lone white rose glowing in the moonlight, the unexpected wine drenched dinners. A fairytale waits for me but I continue to keep it at arm’s distance while I swelter in the real world. How have I let myself get this lost? How is living in today helping life tomorrow? I play my records to put myself to sleep and yearn for them in the nightmares of waking life. I’ll continue to trust that something better waits around the corner but I worry that hope is not enough of an agenda.

* * *

Keep it calmer, keep it sane. Its only life and there are a million little puzzles to figure out while the time rushes by.

January 24, 2010

Separation Anxiety

We find ourselves alone again, with just this glowing screen staring back. My new best friend has returned to school two hours away, after a month of fun, games and heartache. The withdrawals have begun, a need for interaction is subdued by the distance. And so life goes on but slower, quieter, less. The fears of real life are mounting as I try my hardest to live in the moment. My dreams are clouded with images of diving off cliffs and candy, my life is clouded and shrouded in similar similes. I’m waiting for the next best thing but its not really coming fast enough, bidding my time leads to biting my nails. I feel a mess and have taken to dancing out all my emotions so I can be left in a melancholy daze. I stare off into the vortex of MTV, smiles elude me, the only action my mouth has taken to is jaw clenching. I feel lonely and find no relief in the trickling of the rain and river outside the house. I’ll take a sleeping pill and hope I wake to a new dawn where things will be a little clearer and filled with more cheer.

January 19, 2010

Realizing There Was Never Anything There

I had all these plans for an us that never existed. I watched you with your desperation showing, searching for anything, almost begging. My actions mirrored yours and were confounded in the same way. My point of dehydration had brought me to a surreal state of mind. I was probably lucky I could not cry, because after the inner monologue of yelling at you and at myself, I think that may have followed. Now my want for happiness and you again is trying to block the fact that I was your Plan B and had to watch as you hurriedly tried to put Plan A into effect. That didn’t feel good, but like any junkie I still want more. I want for you to look at me and I want you to want me most of all. I tell myself I’ll not play second chair in your orchestration of love, but maybe second chair could be my perfect opportunity to display my own talents for devotion. My silly heart is always two steps ahead with frantic desperation. I’ve got to catch up and find the rationality of it all before it takes me to a dark place where I find myself once again pushing bruises just so I can feel something. The cure? A sad movie alone, a little news about the cracking world. I just need to put my unfounded broken heart into perspective.

January 16, 2010

The Music is Not Enough Now

I’ve been listening to you build your music and its everything none of us thought it would be. I’ve been slowly watching you break my heart and its everything I thought it would be. It was you not trying and me still going home and crying. Enjoy your beer, but what’s more enjoy her. She’s the one with her bad eighties movies and her career, yeah enjoy her. It should work well since you know it’s been over, it should work out well while I lie here in my hell. Nada mas para tu.

I’ll not sit among stars and satellites and contemplate you. I’ll not sit around much longer and wait for that song to be written about me. It’s been stretched too thin, to a point of nonexistence. You leave me sad and I leave you “sick” or at least that’s what you would like me to think. While I feel as if I have loved and lost you, you don’t know me at all. You don’t know I can easily see the benefits of not sleeping alone, you don’t see that I have been exactly like you up until the moment I mistakenly bared my soul to you. And so the process of backing away and regaining my dignity begins, I only wish we had never spent those months of admiration and those moments of bruising in the car, then I wouldn’t find myself alone again thinking of life, love and my lack thereof. But most importantly I wouldn't find myself alone thinking of you not thinking of me.

January 10, 2010

To the Nights We Felt Alive

When planes sound like didgeridoos and the stars are shining into my heart
The music has infiltrated my life and taken me to a time I thought I’d never start.
I’m thinking about playing things, dancing and singing songs
I’m thinking about taking it easy all winter long.
I’m considering life again and keeping it level
I’m considering my city again and romancing the devil.
I’m wanting for more touch and finding it at every stop
I’m taking life to new heights, climbing to the top.
You’re singing in my ear, with your tongue and with your voice
I’m finding myself alone at night, the thoughts I still rejoice.
I’m riding home with you again just to sleep alone
I dream of death and destruction, my conscience is my own.
I’m writing and reading and watching again, I’m considering my dreams
It’s everything I thought I would be but well within my means.
A new year is dawning or maybe it had dawned
A new year is dawning and my life has just begun.
I’m putting words together and rhyming in new fashion
I’m putting words together and finding my old passion.

January 08, 2010

Continuing the Search for Life

I find myself listless and alone, I’ve started to search for something that matched your fury, albeit drink and endorphin induced fury, there is no match so I close my eyes and kiss in the dark trying to get back to the happy glow you left me in. The ability to make myself glow on my own is the real task at hand.
Stop hiding in cold sheets, your heart and mind don’t rest there any more.
Start looking to the sun and camping in the sand, shock your self back to your self.
I give good advice and never heed it. Instead I am slowly turning to a nocturnal wino. I romanticize every glance, every slow get away and certainly every fast kiss to the point of superior exhaustion. It seems that in the interim of my last relationship the rest of the world has become immune to my charms. The world has grown-up while I have stayed my same shallow self.
Searching for growth while I sleep the day away.