May 29, 2006
I find that lying with him I can close my eyes to various beautiful scenes. I close my eyes to the wind whipped cliffs of the pacific waves crashing below, my hair blowing wildly. I open to darkness and soft lips, fingers weaving through fingers. I close to find country tables filled with green milk glass ware, stacked bowls and plates as if the pages of Martha Stewart magazine have infiltrated my subconscious. I open to his wide eyes and entangled arms and legs. I close to French fields of lavender, the purple scent bathing the warm countryside. Open again to hands caressing my stomach and hair. Moments of ecstasy intertwined with dreams.
May 22, 2006
The blinds are blowing wildly and I’m lying in his mess. Its beautiful really, the most beautiful thing I have experienced as of late. I find myself easily napping in his arms and even when he leaves to the tune of his shower or slamming door. Incoherently kissing him goodbye to waste away the day in his bed watching old Natalie Portman movies and the history channel. You know I don’t think there is one movie she doesn’t cry in, I guess that’s her thing, she can cry. The blankets are sweltering with the heat of my nap and I am alone. I like the loneliness, the billowing of the blinds, chocolate bars and chocolate cream pie melting in my mouth. “How do you know its love if you’ve never been in love before?” I wish this was my boat, however I’m still lost on if its love and I think I’ve been in love so many times before. Today I checked to see if there was a bruise about my heart for I think it may very well be on the fast road to heart break. These kinds of feelings of possibility and jealousy are feeding a fire that feels like love and yet I dare not stop the wind from blowing the blinds or cut my nap short for I know these feelings are bound by time. Summer is on the horizon and I find the phrase, “ reeking havoc,” to be popping into my mind quite frequently recently, like some kind of threat. However I hope, as always, I can hold it together better then last summer. For his sake, for my sake for sanity sake.
May 12, 2006
I find myself thinking of things to write about all day and once I sit to write them my mind is a blank. It is similar to how I think of things to tell him all day, little things, reminders and once I get to talk to him I forget all those things. He laughs at me now about it and I rarely remember. I don’t know if its that my memory is shot, the things weren’t very important or I get so excited to talk to him I forget. I have a similar experience when I eat shrimp. I get slightly dizzy when I eat it however I love shrimp so I’m not sure if its that I am allergic to the shellfish or just so excited to eat it that my body reacts in that way. It’s an interesting thing; I have very few allergies in reality. Pollen makes my eyes water, this was worse in high school not so bad these days. Penicillin makes me break out in a rash all over my body if I take it. You can imagine the circumstances under which I found out going in to the doctor for a cold and returning with a rash all over my body. There was another instance in which I broke out in a rash. There was this boy whom I liked very much we had seen each other off and on for a couple summers but one summer every time after I would go over to his house I would break out in a rash, it was worse on my face and legs, very strange, so I decided I must be allergic to him because he was rather hazardous to my mental health so I decided I had better discontinue our infrequent visits and thus the rash ceased and I was better off, mentally.
May 09, 2006
There are times when I look into your eyes and I can almost hear the words exuding from your mouth, as if I am dreaming I see your lips move and those three simple words come out in a fog, a smoke of love. And yet I continue to hold my tongue even as it struggles to hold back those words and everything that comes with them. Will we hold back for our time together? Because it will be too much to be saying these words as we wander apart in the coming months. Will we hold strong through summer? and hold strong to the idea that not saying the words will make everything easier. There are times when I catch myself about to say it to you because in my mind I have so many times and when I look in your eyes it feels like your saying it back. But ill never know ill never know until you do. And I made the mistake so long ago once upon a dream of being the first to go out on a limb and the response was so bad that I found myself more likely walking the plank. And then the resentment set it and I floundered else where to make up for the lousy word he couldn’t say back. And now I dodge this situation by not uttering the words, especially not first, for this will save the anxiety? The philandering? Obviously not. My solutions rarely work and yet I will continue to hide here with them.
May 05, 2006
It was a sweet familiarity to drive in a fast white foreign car with the heater on and the windows down. The speakers were blown out but somehow still full of bay area rap beats. The smoke of swisher sweets filling the air, my lungs, the smell resounding through the beats. I must have been smiling, as this had formerly been my favorite pastime with him. The first night that he and I drove fast, so long ago, dodging cars with the heater on was the most new and amazing experience that at the time I thought I would write a movie about him and this driving. Now our relationship is over these are the times I miss the most, walking down the street holding his hand was comfortable, the words exchanged were warming. And the days to follow will be empty of him, while others will come to fill his void, he will be remembered fondly like a deep scar, for this wound has healed.