January 24, 2010

Separation Anxiety

We find ourselves alone again, with just this glowing screen staring back. My new best friend has returned to school two hours away, after a month of fun, games and heartache. The withdrawals have begun, a need for interaction is subdued by the distance. And so life goes on but slower, quieter, less. The fears of real life are mounting as I try my hardest to live in the moment. My dreams are clouded with images of diving off cliffs and candy, my life is clouded and shrouded in similar similes. I’m waiting for the next best thing but its not really coming fast enough, bidding my time leads to biting my nails. I feel a mess and have taken to dancing out all my emotions so I can be left in a melancholy daze. I stare off into the vortex of MTV, smiles elude me, the only action my mouth has taken to is jaw clenching. I feel lonely and find no relief in the trickling of the rain and river outside the house. I’ll take a sleeping pill and hope I wake to a new dawn where things will be a little clearer and filled with more cheer.

January 19, 2010

Realizing There Was Never Anything There

I had all these plans for an us that never existed. I watched you with your desperation showing, searching for anything, almost begging. My actions mirrored yours and were confounded in the same way. My point of dehydration had brought me to a surreal state of mind. I was probably lucky I could not cry, because after the inner monologue of yelling at you and at myself, I think that may have followed. Now my want for happiness and you again is trying to block the fact that I was your Plan B and had to watch as you hurriedly tried to put Plan A into effect. That didn’t feel good, but like any junkie I still want more. I want for you to look at me and I want you to want me most of all. I tell myself I’ll not play second chair in your orchestration of love, but maybe second chair could be my perfect opportunity to display my own talents for devotion. My silly heart is always two steps ahead with frantic desperation. I’ve got to catch up and find the rationality of it all before it takes me to a dark place where I find myself once again pushing bruises just so I can feel something. The cure? A sad movie alone, a little news about the cracking world. I just need to put my unfounded broken heart into perspective.

January 16, 2010

The Music is Not Enough Now

I’ve been listening to you build your music and its everything none of us thought it would be. I’ve been slowly watching you break my heart and its everything I thought it would be. It was you not trying and me still going home and crying. Enjoy your beer, but what’s more enjoy her. She’s the one with her bad eighties movies and her career, yeah enjoy her. It should work well since you know it’s been over, it should work out well while I lie here in my hell. Nada mas para tu.

I’ll not sit among stars and satellites and contemplate you. I’ll not sit around much longer and wait for that song to be written about me. It’s been stretched too thin, to a point of nonexistence. You leave me sad and I leave you “sick” or at least that’s what you would like me to think. While I feel as if I have loved and lost you, you don’t know me at all. You don’t know I can easily see the benefits of not sleeping alone, you don’t see that I have been exactly like you up until the moment I mistakenly bared my soul to you. And so the process of backing away and regaining my dignity begins, I only wish we had never spent those months of admiration and those moments of bruising in the car, then I wouldn’t find myself alone again thinking of life, love and my lack thereof. But most importantly I wouldn't find myself alone thinking of you not thinking of me.

January 10, 2010

To the Nights We Felt Alive

When planes sound like didgeridoos and the stars are shining into my heart
The music has infiltrated my life and taken me to a time I thought I’d never start.
I’m thinking about playing things, dancing and singing songs
I’m thinking about taking it easy all winter long.
I’m considering life again and keeping it level
I’m considering my city again and romancing the devil.
I’m wanting for more touch and finding it at every stop
I’m taking life to new heights, climbing to the top.
You’re singing in my ear, with your tongue and with your voice
I’m finding myself alone at night, the thoughts I still rejoice.
I’m riding home with you again just to sleep alone
I dream of death and destruction, my conscience is my own.
I’m writing and reading and watching again, I’m considering my dreams
It’s everything I thought I would be but well within my means.
A new year is dawning or maybe it had dawned
A new year is dawning and my life has just begun.
I’m putting words together and rhyming in new fashion
I’m putting words together and finding my old passion.

January 08, 2010

Continuing the Search for Life

I find myself listless and alone, I’ve started to search for something that matched your fury, albeit drink and endorphin induced fury, there is no match so I close my eyes and kiss in the dark trying to get back to the happy glow you left me in. The ability to make myself glow on my own is the real task at hand.
Stop hiding in cold sheets, your heart and mind don’t rest there any more.
Start looking to the sun and camping in the sand, shock your self back to your self.
I give good advice and never heed it. Instead I am slowly turning to a nocturnal wino. I romanticize every glance, every slow get away and certainly every fast kiss to the point of superior exhaustion. It seems that in the interim of my last relationship the rest of the world has become immune to my charms. The world has grown-up while I have stayed my same shallow self.
Searching for growth while I sleep the day away.