And so we meet again, I try to regain my composure as the wave of panic comes over me. You try to regain your ability to stand and ask me to take you home. I feel alone as we sleep in the same bed. You’re different now, you snore. I’m different now, I try to be indifferent now. Keeping it easy with the cautious bachelor, shaking things up as I learn to be alone. I don’t think I could hurt you anymore and yet I try to keep my heart concealed as to not disrupt my lessons of solitude that seem to add a glow and smile to my face. As I huddle to you in the dark for warmth, I know you will be cold in the morning. We laugh as our visit comes to a close. Another confusing rendezvous as I try to keep my obsessions loose.
Now for something real and less poetic:
I turn 25 on Thursday. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because it didn’t feel like he was in love with me, we were best friends but that is where it ended. Such a romantic as myself needs much more. I just moved home to live with my parents and find a job in my hometown. I anticipate much more on the subject of old crushes and hopefully some new ones, all while trying to find myself as a happy independent girl.
I’m tired of carrying torches but I need some way to see in the dark.
December 27, 2009
December 20, 2009
I find myself coming home to a sky full of stars as the moon waxes and wanes to the tune of my breaking heart. This lesson in loneliness is more than I can bare and yet I continue to contemplate and wager the benefits of a life of solitude. I watch and want for you as your life falls apart whilst you are trying to build and change it into something new. People pulling you in every direction, I do my best to keep silent and scream only behind your back as to not further disrupt your ecosystem of confusion. In time the pieces will fall into place but for now I wait, want and continue learning loneliness. No amount of heavy drink or dancing can soothe away the pain of an unrequited infatuation, but I continue to substitute simple glances for actual substance. Your touch is too much while it means little to you, I have started to tumble down this rabbit hole, and each night I spend in solitude I start to convince myself of an exit strategy or how to dig deeper.
December 12, 2009
I can see your hand there, in the shadows of my mind. As I wake I dream of you, as I study my own hands I think of yours. Your long fingers running through your hair, why is it that I cannot forget you? And why is it that I only let myself remember the romantic stupor inducing times? I still dream of you in sleep, I ask you to acquiesce to me while you drive away laughing at the thought, as well as the unnecessary vocabulary use. In the past I was able to put thoughts of you aside but now that we reside on the same coastline and keep the same hours I can't help but dwell on thoughts and dreams of you. However fleeting they may be these thoughts keep my head above water while I continue to drown in listlessness. Doors open and unlock around me, I am searching for some kind of door that will end this flood I am hiding in. I do wonder what will happen first; will the shadows of my mind forget your hands or will the waters overcome what's left of my dreams?