Flounder

I found myself floundering for you. The way we had watched my heart pendant fall off the chain and scuttle across the floor. I looked at you helplessly and you raised your eyebrows at me. I open my drawer to finally write something and am bombarded my remnants of your visit: golden tickets, Magnums and P.I.’s. Today is a Hawaiian shirt type of day and I am reminded of my often Hawaiian-shirt clad father. Sitting with him eating pizza watching rats scurry around in the bushes outside the pizza joint or of how I cry every time I hear “Delaney talks to Statues” because I have built up this future of him and me dancing to it at my wedding. Why is it that the thought of my daddy often brings me to tears? Is it how much he has grown and changed? Is it my skepticism and my resentment at my own skepticism? Is it the memories lost? Or is it the similarities and how I continue to mimic him and only hope his newfound goodness will change me, metamorphosize me the way it has him?

And I flounder because I am searching for answers, for cures, for memories.

Something old

I wrote the first paragraph of this probably in March, things were different then but i was reading it the other day and decided it could be one of the nices thigns i've written about current boyfriend. this is sad cause its not even that nice.

I’m tired I watch her juggle and I’m tired I’m jealous but I’m tired I’ve looked into the eyes of three boys in one night and none of them loved me they loved it they loved the thought of it and now I stare alone and cry alone but I’m jealous and I’m tired I couldn’t do it I couldn’t play hide and seek any more because I missed you when I hid and I missed you when I sought so there I was missing you but still kissing you wondering and suffocating in your backseat and what can you say for yourself you say, “I know cuddy ill see you tomorrow” well that’s not enough tomorrow is never enough so I sit and wait because I don’t want to play games any more I’m moving and your moving and I’m running and your running and I cant stop to wonder if we are running in the same direction or just in the same race because either ill lose you or ill lose the race.

I don’t know if I lost him or the race or if we’re still running. I think its turned into more like a marathon, we’re taking a leisurely walk. Or a quick drunken run out to the cliffs of the west coast, he in his tux and me in my puffy hand made dress on the day of his sisters wedding. This is my favorite memory of him. We were running and laughing so hard straight for the sunset.

Everything changes, everything changes. Progresses, digresses.

a telegram... of sorts

There’s a hot stoner that lives next door stop
I’m going to make him cookies stop
He also has a friend that makes fake ids stop
That is the reason for the cookies stop
He has girls over every night stop
Last night one was crying stop
Tonight he picked one up on his skateboard stop
He thinks I’m a dork stop
I am a dork stop

i got nothin'

well i've been trying to think of something to blog about, and nothing has come. however my roommate often tries to give me ideas. one was about how low flow toilets are stupid because you have to hold the handle down so long it defeats the whole low flow purpose. i agree with him on this. lets see what else? i got this art magazine, called Look Look its created by young people and it has all young people's art in it. drawings, paintings, photography and even writing. im thinking about entering some stuff, cause anyone between the ages of 14-30 can enter. my wigger boyfriend was really confused why i would bu this art magazine over cosmo or some crap, but that is what makes me me. also last night we went out to dinner with my parents. i get most of my humor from my dad. anyway he cracked some joke that only he really thought was funny and so hes laughing so hard he cant stop and i say to him isnt it the worst when only you think your own joke is really funny? this happens to me alot i'll make a joke that no one else would get but me and be laughing and laughing while everyone is staring, i guess this brings me back to the fact that i am my favorite person to hang out with. i'm carving a pumpkin for my parents house today. im pretty excited, getting all the stuff out is my favorite part, the carving is just ok. last year i did an amazing skull pirate with an eye patch, free hand. it was really good. i think im going to do some kind of witch this year. oh i also decided what i am goiing to be for halloween: an aviator i'll let ya know how it goes.

These are a few of my favorite things 10/3/05

Pumpkin pie-anything pumpkin really. Trader Joes has pumpkin butter, I highly recommend. I once ate a whole pumpkin pie in the backseat of a friends car with my (clean) fingers. oh yay! ‘tis the season

All 80s weekends on the radio- it feels like such a treat

Dinosaurs- I’ve been a long time advocate, I always question where they fit into the bible. What about the dinosaurs?

Sleeping naked with my boyfriend’s hot body (I can’t believe I just said that, any of it, i gross myself out)

Vince Vaughn I have a huge crush on him and just downloaded a whole bunch of pictures of him for my background


  

Sleeping on the couch in the living room at Christmas time with the Christmas tree lights on, they produce the best dreams

Drinking vodka and lemonade on the MUNI by myself (on the way to meet friends at a Giants game)


  


Singing disney songs, early 90's hits and oldies with my boyfriend as we go to sleep (i guess thats pretty gross too)