writing things

the wine has gone to my head it has surrounded me like the bath the night before. i blew bubbles in the bath, i thought of drowning but knew he was coming over. Tonight my ring is ruby red much like my newly self re-peirced ear which is beating red like my ring, like the bittersweetness of tonight. I had thought being the last night i should try to change things, bet it all or pull out completely. we watched baseball and drank cheap wine, nothing had changed, i loved him. we often lied in bed, him watching tv or sleeping and me staring at him thinking "this could be it." hes coming opps! oh, the baseball has once again distracted him. im hiding in my parents room writing, i find pecils to be romantic especially black ones, my mother loves them as well, that must be where i got it from. Charles Rossi wine and ESPN are another kind of romantic, a summer romance. i used to sleep with sports center on and dream of the boys of summer. he found me writing here and asked "what are you doing" i quickly wrapped up my sentence and said "writing" and giggled. he said " writing? writing what?" i said "things" and he said "writing things?" i responded "yes" and quickly hid my notebook away for later typing. this was my last night of summer and also the best night of summer. he had found me there writing, writing things, writings things about him, about romance, about him.

first times

today is my first day at my new college. last night was my first night in my new apartment. im nervous and excited. its been hard becuase the boyfriend is leaving and now im two hours away. we had a couple good nights there before the end. i prewrote a blog about it but i left it at home so i'll have to let you in on that later. my blogging has been hit and miss so once school gets going ill be more available to get back to my very amazing writing instead of whatever i think that this is. anyway thanks for reading.

the last nights

I wanted him to pick me up by the arm from where I sat in the middle of the street. I wanted him to look at me like I was crazy with a fury in his eyes while I stared back blankly taking in every aspect of his face. I wanted him to tell me how dangerous sitting here was and how it may be quiet but high gang bangers come soaring down this street and they would hit me so quick and never stop to check me after. I was screaming for attention. Maybe it was true, maybe I was looking for a father figure. I didn’t go sit on the cold asphalt Indian style in the outskirts of his beautiful ghetto, instead I waited in the car listening to my Paul Simon and making modeling faces in the rear view mirror. My non-smile is too sad, I may not have the eyes for this as Paul says, “ he can’t leave his fears behind…phantom figures in the dust.” I start to recall my own fears and land on how fear is really my biggest fear. Stupid. As I write fear overcomes me and my mind wonders to bigger eerie fears… he’s here and i'm not on the street.

these are a few of my favorite things 8/15/05

Riding in the middle seat of a car- front or back

corn dogs& hot dogs, but not real dogs – the exception of Reno, a Rottweiler mix we once dog sat , he spoke French or took French commands I couldn’t resist him.




Wooden hangers- they are a must says Carson Kressley of Queer Eye and I absolutely agree

Silver and gold mixed jewelry, supposedly it’s a big no no but I prefer both together

High Heels

Finding my keys (with non-duplicatable new apartment key) and my Tiffany necklace that I thought I lost about three days ago

Marabou (as in feathers)

Marilyn Monroe- I have posters, books and pictures, I have the white dress outfit made to fit me and a wig I played her in two plays.

Conception

Recently this week I spent some time with my mother riding in the car. Through all my endeavors this summer I have seen really little of my parents which after spending this time with my mother I realized how cool she really is and how I probably should have hung out with her this whole time because it would have saved me a lot of the trouble I got in. however I did nothing since to make this change, I guess in the back of my mind I figure my parents will always be there and my friends from college and various boyfriends wont. I’m probably wrong about this and should be spending more time with my mother …anyway I’m kind of getting away from the idea of my post here.

So my mother and I are talking and she likes to listen to my music when i'm in the car with her and I have kind of weird taste in music for someone my age and we were listening to “Girls just wanna have fun” she starts laughing and says, “You know you were probably conceived to this song.” A little stunned I said “ on April fool’s day?” because this is something she told me a long time ago before I knew what conception was. And then I said, “ so I’m a big joke that just wants to have fun?” after the words escaped my mouth I found that is the most apt description of myself I’ve heard in a long time.