Try Again

I could fall into this role easily, fall fast, fall hard, but you're so wishy-washy I am left wishing, hoping for a sign, for a signal that you too are more wish and less wash. I dance through my dreams, search through the daylight and dawn for traces of you, your scent long lost on my pillow, your voice far off like a ship out to sea. And I guess you are out to sea, out to see something, out to find yourself because you found me first and now you're lost. Lost in the unmatched rhythms that writhe through your mind at paces and syncopations no one hears but you, the ringing in your ears of loves past and unknown chaos ahead. But I think about you with fondness despite the rollercoaster of yes and no we've rocked and rode the past few weeks. My stomach leapt and came down again, rush went the wind in my face, and a thumping in my chest as we approached each hill. Try again, this time the little pieces will fit just right. No wrong puzzle. Try again this time the bits of stardust will make a sand castle. No its washed away. Try again… I’m waiting.

Don't Rush

Something smells of honey suckles and bewilderment. I lay motionless under heavy blankets to quiet my mind, but it races on at a pace matched only by my heart. We could have been everything but our pasts and futures hold us in an unsolvable limbo. We hold a mirror to eachother, our reflections are not what we imagined they would be, like a fun house distortions waver; legs stretch with tales of something like truth, smiles are swirled into frowns. If I close my eyes to sleep will I find myself in that former dream scene? Will I wake up where we were a week ago and see you to the door before it goes any farther? Save myself the exhaustion? The drama? All the things I list when faced with questions regarding my loneliness. From this vantage point it's hard to say, hard to know. All I ever wanted was to look into your eyes at dusk, say nothing and yet everything at once.

Where Hearts Get Left

This is what San Francisco feels like when the fog rolls in after a hot day. The first flourishes of cold wisp against warmed skin, a heavy mist that feels like a spreading smile. The fondness grows and the late fall heat wave falls into infamous steam.

--

I want to wait with you at bus stops

I want to lean on you in the rain

I want you to be mine and me to be yours

I want everything, again

Follow me down steep stairways

Crash into heavy sheets

Run past familiar haunts

Trip down those winding streets

Take everything unbroken

Build new but with a simpler core

Laugh every single day

Make the stuffs of lore

--

The fog blows on now, rolling and rocking over green hills, whispering through pine trees, leaving sparkling condensation on these heavy rocks. The sidewalks slick, the streets slicker under taxi cab wheels, a great whir and swish about the city blankets our hearts and clouds most judgment.

And We Jump

We jump bravely into rolling waves to find little more than soft sand scraping our knees. We smile as salt-water sprays up, white foam gives way to clear blue and we are whole again. We bob as buoys, farther out than the child in us would want to be, we bob as buoys tied together and laugh. The soothing, the cajoling, the rolling rocking of each set pushes us in and yet back out again, time is kept by each wave’s peak and yet not kept at all. Push off rough pillows of sand and find a floating feeling not unlike walking on the moon. Jump and fall easily, smile, drip, with salt and laughter. 

The Brief Moments Wherein I Might Have Loved You

We became fast friends in one night and as I lay completely clothed between you and our mutual best friend I drunkenly dreamt, “ I could love him.”

I arranged for us to meet to play arcade games once a week. You taught me to shoot deer and as I cocked the plastic gun with one hand I glared, “I could love him.”

We drank into the wee hours of the morning until I fell on your bed and you ran around town with the clink of spray paint and laughter. Though the drunken mistiness I pondered, “I could love him.”

We rolled naked in sheets and thought no one would know that when I looked at you across the kitchen every cell was smiling, “I could love him.”

Adventure after adventure we fell into a common companionship, when I looked you were there, when I needed you were there and when I laughed you were there, but I never let myself love you completely. The arm’s length that I kept you at then pushed you further into, onto someone else stretched us too far. And now I love you and it’s too late.