June 08, 2006
alone with my thoughts for a slow week
I want to see your face, that’s all I’m longing for, your face; I look at the little pictures and your face. I imagine your hands holding various items, forks, baseballs, my hand, and edges of blankets. I remember your touch and how its changed and softened in the recent months as if your gentleness is reflecting my own heart’s softening. You remind of that song “your hands are in my hair and my heart is in your teeth and it makes my want to make you near me always, near me always” and yet I am reminded by everyone around me, around us daily of how it will end, how it will end so soon, too soon. And the inkling has begun, the slow inkling like a soft rain in the back of my mind, especially after this slow lonely week and the inkling has infiltrated my rational thought and here I am almost thinking sure we could do this, do this for awhile. But luckily the minuscule amount of rational I have left is holding on to the fact that I couldn’t let what we do have turn into the nastiness that long distance has been for me. Its beautiful for now and blooming so quickly as tears are heating my face I have to let go of my romantic forever notions and yet I hold on, I question if maybe you saw all of this pain, and fear and truth that lives within my words would all of our rational disappear and would we find ourselves among frequent flyer miles and free long distance plans?