September 26, 2005
i just read my first rio post and as i came to the last line where i thanked you for being here, tears stared to well up in my eyes. i dont know if was the honesty which is infrequent around my literal life or the fact that last night i had this dream in which i had no one, no one to talk to, no one to run to and i was crying in my sleep. while i was sleeping next to the boyfriend, the one that i had given up on, his love, our love because i thought he was moving away, and now hes not and im so lost, so caught up in our love. his sister got married on sunday, everyone looked to us as being next, it was very intense his cuban grandparets kept hinting a tit, the groom was expecting to be the best man. I just kept nervously laughing because i'm not getting married for like 8 or 10 years still. but then we were running in the wet grass towards the sunset and the cliffs at the edge of the ocean and laughing so hard, it was sureal, i'm sure the wine helped, there were these split seconds where my mind almost said ok we are next but then i shut down those thoughts as i am terribly afraid of any kind of actual commitment. but now two hours away from him and probably two weeks away from the next time i see him i am sad, i miss him, this him i can not commit to, this him that i contemplate as the one, this him that i have secretly cried about in his back seat while coming down from ecstacy hoping he would not hears my sobbing breaths, this him that i have grown to love and this him that i may have forsaken all others for. shit what has become of my bad ass self? obviously this him.