December 14, 2005

nothing

My stomach turns and I’m not sure if it’s at the thought of you, the thought of drugs or the thought of growing up. These mini anxiety attacks have taken over my day and my night, staying up looking into the glow of the screen trying to find myself, my future. I don’t think it’s hiding there, its like playing hide and go seek alone. An only child, playing multiple player games alone, chess, checkers, cats cradle and house. My thoughts are broken as is my mother’s heart. I didn’t wake up to answer the phone because I knew what she would say, if I was her I wouldn’t really have wanted to talk to anyone on the phone, we all knew that this call was on the horizon. I don’t know what to say. If its affected me its been sub-consciously and its given me stomach aches and nausea, but I don think it did.

“'I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral can’t understand what I mean? Well, you soon will”

My thoughts are all over the place and I came upstairs to write the last paper of the semester an hour ago and I’ve done everything I can to stall, I even wrote a to do list of things I have to do tomorrow before I can go home. I may have gone crazy.

Here to live, here today, here to die.

2 comments:

Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

Live for today is all I can say.

Sorry and hope you get through it all ok. You will I am sure of it.

Life is life...we must live it well or death is insignificant.

Doug said...

I meant to say something wise and helpful but Alice did better than I could so..."what she said."