October 27, 2005

what have i done here

I’m lost today. Why were you hunting me in my dreams? I found you waiting, stalking when I closed my eyes. I think about you daily and even now as I write this I am crying for you. I don’t know what I think though. Hasn’t it always been that way? I don’t know, if our relationship was a movie that would be the title or maybe, “I don’t know but I do.” I can’t tell if I miss you though, miss us I mean. Walking to class today I was thinking about areas where I would have future homes, san Diego came to mind first and as I begun to build my amazing beach house on the shores of la Jolla, you were there and my mind got ahead of me and suddenly we were married once I caught up with my thought process I wanted to cry, to turn around walk home and cry about you how much I’ve lost because I gave you up. I’m glad you got to be the one to really end it, but last night when I hung up the phone with him I thought now I would usually call my Chris-sy but no longer do I call you and you never call me either. Time will heal all wounds but I hope I see you in the bars during break and I hope I go home with you. I say that today and honestly I don’t where I will be when Christmas comes, but you are, always have been and always will be my Christmas business. And again I am at a place contemplating throwing it all away for someone else, for you. The Internet will be the ruin of me, its funny you always said that, I searched the w hotels today, there will be no W in my future, I googled you, there was nothing, then I saw your pictures on myspace and I cried right in the living room, I cried. And I know if I do see you at break it will go one of two ways and there are only two ways it can go: 1. I go home with you 2. You call me out as the bitch you may have come to think of me as. And as I write this it breaks my heart and lumps my throat. I do, I do miss you. Our song keeps coming up on my ipod and the freckles in our eyes still align.

And it's okay if you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephone
well, they're workin it both ways
But if I never, ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

October 26, 2005

sleeping pills

I smiled for you during a Lunesta commercial. You never wrote back last time I said some media bullshit reminded me of you so I wont bother this time. I smiled because of the way the sleeping pills made you passive but at the same time the gloriousness of your bed, of the film, of the situation that engulfed us. I can still see myself there lying in your bed looking at pictures of your girlfriend. The cynic in me smiling knowing the brevity of our relationship and the unfathomable tolls it would take if anyone found out. Your smile, your sickening smile, how I gave you my playmate pickup look from across the room, and how it worked. The sleeping pills made you think I was a reptile, a purple reptile and I didn’t care I wanted to be held and touched by your recently shaven tattooed arms. Just to say I had been there in this infamous bed, the bed in which you have bedded many a girl just like myself who just wanted to be held by the ink that held you. I see your face sometimes burned into my retina, I think of how amazingly comfortable your bed is often and how I would jeopardize all that is good for me now for another completely wrong night with you in your comfortable bed and your sickening smile.

October 23, 2005


Wouldn’t you love to make a coat of the sheets made of dryer lint, it would be extraordinarily soft and warm, but it would fall to pieces quickly and make quite a mess. My aunt bought some bright coral colored towels for her bed and breakfast place and after washing them the lint was bright coral, she saved it to show to me because she thought it was so pretty, it really was though. I love the feel of that lint, its just so incredibly soft. I’m a weirdo I know. I just finished my laundry, it was the longest task ever. I went to the main office of our apartments to put money on our laundry card, figuring that my roommate didn’t put any money on the card after he used it, well the office was locked so I had to come back and get my other card that will let you in the lobby when it is locked. Got the card and went back but my card wouln’t work so I coudn’t get in. I came back and went to the laundry room to see how much money was on the card, I should have done this in the first place, it would have saved me a lot of trouble because there was plenty. I had 5-7 minutes before a washer was available so I came back to the house and watched some of Philadelphia, I guess that opera breakdown scene of tom hank’s got me a little distracted because when I returned someone had gotten there before me, I had another 32-35 minutes to wait. This time when I returned a little early there were two people in there, this became very awkward because we just stood there them waiting for their clothes to be done me waiting to my clothes in, trying not to stare at one another. Finally their clothes are done and I put my clothes in. yada yada this goes on again with the dryer and I am kind enough to put all my clothes into one dryer so an asian woman who barely speaks English can dry her cotton candy pink blanket, shes very gracious and im happy to obligue. Now all the laundry is done and im watching Harold and Maude, oh that cat stevens. But what is going on with harold’s mother’s hair or those hats?

October 17, 2005


I found myself floundering for you. The way we had watched my heart pendant fall off the chain and scuttle across the floor. I looked at you helplessly and you raised your eyebrows at me. I open my drawer to finally write something and am bombarded my remnants of your visit: golden tickets, Magnums and P.I.’s. Today is a Hawaiian shirt type of day and I am reminded of my often Hawaiian-shirt clad father. Sitting with him eating pizza watching rats scurry around in the bushes outside the pizza joint or of how I cry every time I hear “Delaney talks to Statues” because I have built up this future of him and me dancing to it at my wedding. Why is it that the thought of my daddy often brings me to tears? Is it how much he has grown and changed? Is it my skepticism and my resentment at my own skepticism? Is it the memories lost? Or is it the similarities and how I continue to mimic him and only hope his newfound goodness will change me, metamorphosize me the way it has him?

And I flounder because I am searching for answers, for cures, for memories.

October 13, 2005

Something old

I wrote the first paragraph of this probably in March, things were different then but i was reading it the other day and decided it could be one of the nices thigns i've written about current boyfriend. this is sad cause its not even that nice.

I’m tired I watch her juggle and I’m tired I’m jealous but I’m tired I’ve looked into the eyes of three boys in one night and none of them loved me they loved it they loved the thought of it and now I stare alone and cry alone but I’m jealous and I’m tired I couldn’t do it I couldn’t play hide and seek any more because I missed you when I hid and I missed you when I sought so there I was missing you but still kissing you wondering and suffocating in your backseat and what can you say for yourself you say, “I know cuddy ill see you tomorrow” well that’s not enough tomorrow is never enough so I sit and wait because I don’t want to play games any more I’m moving and your moving and I’m running and your running and I cant stop to wonder if we are running in the same direction or just in the same race because either ill lose you or ill lose the race.

I don’t know if I lost him or the race or if we’re still running. I think its turned into more like a marathon, we’re taking a leisurely walk. Or a quick drunken run out to the cliffs of the west coast, he in his tux and me in my puffy hand made dress on the day of his sisters wedding. This is my favorite memory of him. We were running and laughing so hard straight for the sunset.

Everything changes, everything changes. Progresses, digresses.

October 11, 2005

a telegram... of sorts

There’s a hot stoner that lives next door stop
I’m going to make him cookies stop
He also has a friend that makes fake ids stop
That is the reason for the cookies stop
He has girls over every night stop
Last night one was crying stop
Tonight he picked one up on his skateboard stop
He thinks I’m a dork stop
I am a dork stop

October 08, 2005

i got nothin'

well i've been trying to think of something to blog about, and nothing has come. however my roommate often tries to give me ideas. one was about how low flow toilets are stupid because you have to hold the handle down so long it defeats the whole low flow purpose. i agree with him on this. lets see what else? i got this art magazine, called Look Look its created by young people and it has all young people's art in it. drawings, paintings, photography and even writing. im thinking about entering some stuff, cause anyone between the ages of 14-30 can enter. my wigger boyfriend was really confused why i would bu this art magazine over cosmo or some crap, but that is what makes me me. also last night we went out to dinner with my parents. i get most of my humor from my dad. anyway he cracked some joke that only he really thought was funny and so hes laughing so hard he cant stop and i say to him isnt it the worst when only you think your own joke is really funny? this happens to me alot i'll make a joke that no one else would get but me and be laughing and laughing while everyone is staring, i guess this brings me back to the fact that i am my favorite person to hang out with. i'm carving a pumpkin for my parents house today. im pretty excited, getting all the stuff out is my favorite part, the carving is just ok. last year i did an amazing skull pirate with an eye patch, free hand. it was really good. i think im going to do some kind of witch this year. oh i also decided what i am goiing to be for halloween: an aviator i'll let ya know how it goes.

October 03, 2005

These are a few of my favorite things 10/3/05

Pumpkin pie-anything pumpkin really. Trader Joes has pumpkin butter, I highly recommend. I once ate a whole pumpkin pie in the backseat of a friends car with my (clean) fingers. oh yay! ‘tis the season

All 80s weekends on the radio- it feels like such a treat

Dinosaurs- I’ve been a long time advocate, I always question where they fit into the bible. What about the dinosaurs?

Sleeping naked with my boyfriend’s hot body (I can’t believe I just said that, any of it, i gross myself out)

Vince Vaughn I have a huge crush on him and just downloaded a whole bunch of pictures of him for my background


Sleeping on the couch in the living room at Christmas time with the Christmas tree lights on, they produce the best dreams

Drinking vodka and lemonade on the MUNI by myself (on the way to meet friends at a Giants game)


Singing disney songs, early 90's hits and oldies with my boyfriend as we go to sleep (i guess thats pretty gross too)