January 19, 2010
Realizing There Was Never Anything There
I had all these plans for an us that never existed. I watched you with your desperation showing, searching for anything, almost begging. My actions mirrored yours and were confounded in the same way. My point of dehydration had brought me to a surreal state of mind. I was probably lucky I could not cry, because after the inner monologue of yelling at you and at myself, I think that may have followed. Now my want for happiness and you again is trying to block the fact that I was your Plan B and had to watch as you hurriedly tried to put Plan A into effect. That didn’t feel good, but like any junkie I still want more. I want for you to look at me and I want you to want me most of all. I tell myself I’ll not play second chair in your orchestration of love, but maybe second chair could be my perfect opportunity to display my own talents for devotion. My silly heart is always two steps ahead with frantic desperation. I’ve got to catch up and find the rationality of it all before it takes me to a dark place where I find myself once again pushing bruises just so I can feel something. The cure? A sad movie alone, a little news about the cracking world. I just need to put my unfounded broken heart into perspective.