Continuing the Search for Life

I find myself listless and alone, I’ve started to search for something that matched your fury, albeit drink and endorphin induced fury, there is no match so I close my eyes and kiss in the dark trying to get back to the happy glow you left me in. The ability to make myself glow on my own is the real task at hand.
Stop hiding in cold sheets, your heart and mind don’t rest there any more.
Start looking to the sun and camping in the sand, shock your self back to your self.
I give good advice and never heed it. Instead I am slowly turning to a nocturnal wino. I romanticize every glance, every slow get away and certainly every fast kiss to the point of superior exhaustion. It seems that in the interim of my last relationship the rest of the world has become immune to my charms. The world has grown-up while I have stayed my same shallow self.
Searching for growth while I sleep the day away.

Something Old, Something New, Something Real, Something True

And so we meet again, I try to regain my composure as the wave of panic comes over me. You try to regain your ability to stand and ask me to take you home. I feel alone as we sleep in the same bed. You’re different now, you snore. I’m different now, I try to be indifferent now. Keeping it easy with the cautious bachelor, shaking things up as I learn to be alone. I don’t think I could hurt you anymore and yet I try to keep my heart concealed as to not disrupt my lessons of solitude that seem to add a glow and smile to my face. As I huddle to you in the dark for warmth, I know you will be cold in the morning. We laugh as our visit comes to a close. Another confusing rendezvous as I try to keep my obsessions loose.


Now for something real and less poetic:
I turn 25 on Thursday. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because it didn’t feel like he was in love with me, we were best friends but that is where it ended. Such a romantic as myself needs much more. I just moved home to live with my parents and find a job in my hometown. I anticipate much more on the subject of old crushes and hopefully some new ones, all while trying to find myself as a happy independent girl.

I’m tired of carrying torches but I need some way to see in the dark.

A Lesson in Loneliness

I find myself coming home to a sky full of stars as the moon waxes and wanes to the tune of my breaking heart. This lesson in loneliness is more than I can bare and yet I continue to contemplate and wager the benefits of a life of solitude. I watch and want for you as your life falls apart whilst you are trying to build and change it into something new. People pulling you in every direction, I do my best to keep silent and scream only behind your back as to not further disrupt your ecosystem of confusion. In time the pieces will fall into place but for now I wait, want and continue learning loneliness. No amount of heavy drink or dancing can soothe away the pain of an unrequited infatuation, but I continue to substitute simple glances for actual substance. Your touch is too much while it means little to you, I have started to tumble down this rabbit hole, and each night I spend in solitude I start to convince myself of an exit strategy or how to dig deeper.

Palm to Palm, We Dream

I can see your hand there, in the shadows of my mind. As I wake I dream of you, as I study my own hands I think of yours. Your long fingers running through your hair, why is it that I cannot forget you? And why is it that I only let myself remember the romantic stupor inducing times? I still dream of you in sleep, I ask you to acquiesce to me while you drive away laughing at the thought, as well as the unnecessary vocabulary use. In the past I was able to put thoughts of you aside but now that we reside on the same coastline and keep the same hours I can't help but dwell on thoughts and dreams of you. However fleeting they may be these thoughts keep my head above water while I continue to drown in listlessness. Doors open and unlock around me, I am searching for some kind of door that will end this flood I am hiding in. I do wonder what will happen first; will the shadows of my mind forget your hands or will the waters overcome what's left of my dreams?


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Soul Puking

I'm wanting to expunge it all
Looking to find something new
Talking to myself
Waiting for the other shoe

It feels like it’s falling apart
Or maybe just growing roots
I find myself listless
As I pull on these boots

I’m taking a walk
Finding something fresh
Worlds are colliding
While I wish that they would mesh

Taking down the pictures
Packing up the spoons
Driving down the coast
Dancing under moons

Looking for the next exit
Waiting for the chance
To hideaway in bungalows
To find solace in a glance

Maybe there’s an answer
I’m pretty sure this isn’t it
But obsession fuels my melancholy
As I beg myself to quit

Smiling through the tears
Dying as I’m waking
I’m doubled over in pain
I thought that was my heart breaking

I’m keeping it in mind
Heeding my own advice
Doing the right thing
Trying to be nice