November 30, 2005
a new horizon
It’s hard to look in the mirror and see you’re the one that broke your own heart. Its hard to listen to him tell the truth when you’ve been lying to yourself the whole time. The tears in my eyes have been hiding the truth and I found sanction there hiding from truth feeding myself lies to make my world beautiful when in fact I was living in this dungeon of deceit. You tell me that I break their hearts the same way every time, and then they question where did I learn this from who taught me to be so careless with significant feelings? Who taught me not to feel, so that my carelessness could not penetrate into my own charade of happiness, of beauty? I cant answer that and each time I am questioned that same question that comes at every end and every new beginning, I look around me, I scan my broken memory to find the one that broke my heart. And it would be easy, it would be so easy to lay blame somewhere other than on myself but now in reality I can see that starting here is the only way that I can begin to go forward. They will no longer fall in love with me from my own accord, it can’t be this easy to love them and never leave them and so the seed of truth must be planted here so that it may grow within and change the blackish fate I have set for myself. I broke my own heart, and my own tears full of lies were hiding the truth all along.