Tears well up in my eyes and I am surrounded by heat the phrase “sad day” keeping repeating itself in my head. I allow myself one of these everyone in awhile where I don’t do anything and let the sadness surround me the same way that the heat is. There nothing specific but all of it, all of the changes and the loss. Mostly it’s the loss of him and me and him. We’re all going separate directions and as hard as I try Ito hold it all together there will be an explosion and each component will be flung as far as the night wind will take them. And there will be sad days wherever I go. Days where I don’t want to do a thing and just lie here and sweat and cry or just sit waiting for a call I don’t even want to answer but I need because I may not make it through the night with out talking to someone, anyone even if I cant stand them. The days are ticking by so slowly with a quickest of pace. The change is on the horizon and I cant face it I want to put my sunglasses back on and hide from the dawn that is change.
I contemplate going to the movies alone but I’ve already made promises I am not allowed to break and I cant go to the movies, I cant do what I want, I cant do who I want because down that road there is another loss. Stay within the lane, its like bowling and I’m terrible at bowling. I don’t stay in the lanes I don’t knock out all the pins. I have sad days and I do what I want. Or I did, I had this fatal stint with doing what I wanted and whom I wanted and almost lost it all, I had bet it all and practically lost it in an awful game of 10 pins. I hate bowling and I hate sad days, but really I languish in them, both.